Forever young

5-valentina

                 ‿︵‿︵୨˚̣̣̣͙୧ - - ୨˚̣̣̣͙୧‿︵‿︵

Valentina

My mornings alarm blares me awake, every single thought inside of my brain that has something to do with sleeping bursts open; waking up every single cell in my body.

I swing my legs over the side of my bed, and stand up, my legs wobbling with tiredness.

My left thigh burns and stings from last night, seeing Liam with Leah really really set me off.

The small shiny blade that I pulled out of a sharpener two months ago, sits quietly on my bedside table, disappointed in my actions after one week of being clean.

One whole week.

I promised myself one week ago I would throw it into the local lake, but I couldn't bring myself to get rid of something that plays such an important role in my daily life.

Plus, last time I threw it into a drain, just for me to regret it deeply and try and pry it out.

No one has ever really seen my scars, and I don't want them too. They don't scar really, but that doesn't mean I don't do it.

One time my aunt saw it, but she just said because it doesn't scar, it isn't valid and how I should be sent away and this is why that thing happened to me on October fourth when I was fourteen.

Maybe she was right.

I've been doing it since I was 12, just because it offers me some kind of tranquility in my life; it somehow just distracts me from other things in my life. It also makes me feel calm, because it reminds me this is what I deserve.

Last year I wanted to kill myself. This year I just want to hurt myself. Dig the blade into my thigh and watch the blood drip. Feel the sizzle of my wrapped wounds. Feel the stinging pain of the showers.

Just to feel something.

I wish at the end of a typically bad day I don't picture myself pulling the blade out of the box. I wish people realised just because it doesn't scar doesn't mean it doesn't happen. Just because I don't tell anyone, doesn't mean it doesn't happen.

If only someone understood.

Hearing the things I hear every day infuriates me.

It terrifies me. Hearing everyone's thoughts.

I sit at my desk, and begin brushing my curly blonde hair.

Tonight is Maci's party, which I am attending with Ella and Olivia.

I'm planning on wearing a black tube dress, it's tight on the torso area but flowing on the bottom, and has a sparkly tinge to the flowy fabric.

I rarely ever get excited for things, so it's nice to be able to feel it.

And Liam's gonna be there. Liam.

He is reasonable for not wanting to be with me.

Yes, beating the fuck out of his girlfriend probably wasn't the best thing to do. But maybe he will respect me?

Baby, baby, please don't hate me.

I have always beloved in true love, I was watching the fairytale movies when I was young.