vents, ideas and rants

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Oh, to feel the pain I've caused,

To be cleansed from every thing I've done
Drowning in my own thoughts, am I even myself anymore? I look in the mirror, and i see a face that is no longer my own.

I want to remove my skin, change my body, remove my thoughts, and cleanse my mind.

The sharpness of the pain and the stinging left over... It's all just scars, all over, my existence is just a scar on the earth.

To feel the sharpness of the knife, sinking deeper.
To feel the rope, tightening around me.
To feel the water in my lungs, pulling me under.
To feel the blood dripping from my forehead.
The crunching of my bones as I hit the ground.
... To feel the sweet release of death taking me.

But I'm a coward to even try.

I am no longer me. Just a shell of something I was before.

I hate it, I want to be free.

Their words echo in my mind, yet I've caused more pain to them than they have to me...

I don't remember, I do not remember the last time I was happy. Actually feeling something other than false emotions I put on to appease the others.

Forced into a body that isn't mine.

If karma is real, then finish the job and actually k--- me, stop leaving scars.

...... I can't change, I don't want to be like him..
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A two faced liar whose scared of themselves and rejection, that's all I am and will ever be.
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I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to...
I didn't do it, why did they accuse me of something that was out of my control?
I'm sorry. I'm so sorry..
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I know I'm not the victim.. But is it so wrong to want closure? To be assured I'm worth something? To actually relax my thoughts and sit down and be content instead of stressed about what others think and to not compare everything I do to others accomplishments? I don't know what I'm searching for, or if it even exists.

I'm sorry.

Stay safe y'all..