"Poetry"

II

i watch my guy best friend leap across the
gym.

he looks so stupid.

i snicker as he falls flat on his face.

he'd be the perfect boyfriend for my family.

me.

i meant he'd be the perfect boyfriend for me.

my friends whisper about their crushes during lunch.

it feels as if i can't breathe as they ask if i have one myself.

i glance around the room, saying the name of the first boy i spot.

my brain instantly flatlines as i realize the name that just came out of my mouth.

my boy best friend.

i come back to life as my friends giggle and cheer.
they tell me it was obvious i liked him.

they tell me that we'd be so cute together.

there's no surprise for me when he asks me to be his girlfriend the next day.

yet part of me is surprised when i say yes.

i take him to meet my family.

we sit at the dinner table watching my family snicker at us.

"glad you finally brought a boy home.

thought we were close to kicking you out of the family for being a lesbian."

everyone laughs.

and I laugh along with them.

there's no reason for me not to laugh.

me liking another girl?

thats impossible
stupid even.

i watch my aunt getting married to her husband at their wedding.

¡'m happy for them but there's something
else.

my mind races as I clap for them.

i feel my eyes getting watery as i stare.

"you'll find a husband one day, your boyfriend seems pretty wonderful" the people behind me say gently, trying to comfort me.

but that's not why i'm crying.

the words ring in my ears.

they're being screamed so loud i cant hear what's happening around me anymore.

is this really my fate?

will I end up marrying a man?

my momma talks to me about boys on my way to summer camp.

i tell her there's nothing to worry about.

beside i have a boyfriend.

my phone buzzes with texts from my him wishing me goodbye and saying he'll miss me for the week I'm gone.

i tell him that I love him.

i tell him that I'II miss him too.

as soon as I get to camp I enter in my cabin.

my heart stops beating as i see my roommate.

her ocean colored eyes stare back at me. and i can already find myself getting lost in the waves.

we spend all of camp together as if we've know each other forever.

we even hold hands as we dance around outside in the grass.

i feel things i shouldn't.

my brain feels as if it's been turned into exploding fireworks and she was the one who lit them.

i've never felt this way in my life before.

is this what love is supposed to feel like?

it's the last day of camp.

i kiss her in our cabin.

i actually kiss her.

and she kisses me back.

there's a pit of shame in my stomach even though every other part of my body is telling me how good this feels.

i can't go home.

i can't live a lie anymore.

and neither can she.

she tells me about the jokes her family makes too.

i feel so connected to this girl i just met.

so we make a plan.

we sneak out together in the middle of the night.

We run through the forest as the camp counselors scream at us to come back.

but it's no use.

because we get away.

the forrest is dark and my heart is pounding.

she draws a heart on my arm with a pen and i draw one on hers.

"i don't care if we go to hell. we're supposed to be together." She says, softly.

"¡'ll go to hell if it means you'll be the one dragging me there." I say, my voice breaking as i start to cry.

this is my fate.

marrying a man was never my fate.

it was this.

we lay down on the ground together desperately grasping at each other's hands.

"¡ love you," i tell her.

and I mean it.

"¡ love you too," she says.

at least i think that's what she said.

but it was hard to hear her over the sound of the train bolting towards us.