Don't Stay, Don't Go (Ben Drowned Love Story)

Ch. 54

I climb the stairs, then turn to the second staircase. I wonder if there's a way to get on the roof. That would be amazing. I climb the second set of stairs to the seemingly top floor. The artificial light flickering from the light bulbs give me a slight headache after looking at them to long. Quietly, I pad closer to a window, carefully listening to see if anyone is coming closer.
The window pops open with a little force, and I stick my head out to smell the air. Although its more comforting then the city smells and constant blood aroma from the places I live in, it does smell faintly of death. Shakily I put my legs though the window and climb up to the top of the roof. After I get there I lay down and look at the stars. Although I think my paranoia will never fully go away, it's nice to be able to watch the moon rise with minimal fear that something is chasing me. It's nice, I haven't been desperately paranoid for a while. I can go to sleep even if I need the light on, and get nightmares often. I don't look over my back as often, just angle my shoulders back. And I still haven't gotten over Ben yet.
I'm so weak, I full on cried just because Ben knew something I didn't want him to. I pride myself on the fact that I'm not a weepy teenage girl, but he might be changing that. The part of me that desperately wants someone to be with surfaces in my mind. If he's going to change you, just do it all at once like jumping into a pool.
That actually is pretty good advice. Screw the tapes, screw the pictures, screw being angry, screw trying to be strong, screw everything. I don't want to be alone anymore. I can't stand it. Fuck being unhappy. If he makes me happy then screw everything else.
But he's changing you, the strong part of me says.
"Fuck you." I say to myself.
I carefully get up and hop through the window before taking a deep breath. Just jump, there's no time to check how cold the water might be. A strange excitement makes my heart pump, and I try to walk down the stairs but end up racing down them anyway. The second staircase has a hand rail, and I jump on, flying down faster then I could run down them.
"Fuck yoouuu!" I laugh loudly at myself. As I get closer to Ben's room, where I assume he's holed up, the excitement slowly turns to bone chilling fear. What if he doesn't like me anymore? There's so many things that could go wrong. Do you really want to risk it? I stop racing through the halls when I reach my destination. I sit down and put my head in my hands as the 'strong side' takes back over. Do you really want to risk it? It keeps asking me.
"Fuck you." I whisper. My chest hurts, and I don't know what I'm doing. I try to stand up but I don't want to move.
Is he worth it?
Of course he's worth it! I could be dead right now, but I'm not. Isn't that proof that there could be something?
This could be your purgatory. Stuck in limbo. Just try to tell him you love him. I bet you can't, because your not strong enough.
I am not weak!
"Fuck off. Fuck off. Fuck off, please go away." My cries get louder as I grip my hair in my hands. "Stop it, I don't want to be alone anymore. Just please stop it." I can't make my voice anything other than a sob but I try to make sure Ben can't hear me through the door. Though how effective it is I don't know. I curl up on the floor, facing away from Ben's door.
You can't even face his door! Stop being such a baby and walk away.
Don't go, don't go, don't go.
"Shut up, I can't take it anymore. Stop it please, I just want to know what to do!" I pull my shirt over my eyes, drying the few tears that burn my face.
Get up and leave.
Just open his door.
Leave. Stay. Leave. Stay.
"Just shut up. Be quiet please, I don't want to do this anymore."
"Elizabeth, what are you doing on the floor?" I cringe as Ben's familiar voice questions softly. His kind words feel like daggers, carving into my skin. "Come here, what's wrong." I feel his light touch on my shoulder. It burns horribly, but I can't move away.
See, he cares about you!
Your so pathetic.
"Stop arguing, I just want to be happy." I sob. "I can't take it anymore, just let me choose and be happy."
"Elizabeth, what's wrong?" Ben presses as I curl into a ball on the floor, my shirt still over my wet eyes.
"I don't know. I don't know okay? I can't stop and I just- I don't know how to stop."
"Stop what honey?"
Tell him, he can help you.
Suck it up and walk it off.
I can only whimper.
"Please tell me what's wrong. I want to help you."
Your weak.
But he could make you stronger!
"I just want to be happy. I just want to move on." I scrape at the floor while gasping for air, my eyes screwed shut. "I don't know what to do anymore." Everything hurts, and I'm going in circles, I just don't know what to do. I'm gasping for air and everything is turning hazy, and anywhere Ben touches me hurts so much. I just want to stop.
"Do you want Masky? Or Nurse ANN?"
"No, I just- I can figure this out, hold on." It hurts my chest just to reply to him.
Your so pathetic, how can you stand yourself?
Your so close, I know you can do it.
"I can't do it though, I don't know how." I mewl. "I can't do it, I can't do it."
Your so weak. I told you you couldn't tell him.
Please just keep trying, just try a little harder and you can be happy.
Do you really think he can make you happy?
My vision is getting darker, and my whole chest hurts, everything hurts.
"Please just stop. I don't want to be alone anymore. I just want to be better. Stop-" is all I can plead before I give in to the darkness.