Autobiography

The recovery

Now that we got that out of the way.. I worked towards recovering. Or at least tried. I opened up more to my therapist, started taking the medication more consistently, and.. I didn't apologize. Not yet at least. It scared me, the option of apologizing, because that meant I would have to deal with them rejecting the apology. Or worse accepting it without seeing change. I thought that if I apologized then everything would actually be.. real. And if I'm honest I don't think anything scares me more than reality. So even though I started getting better, acting better, forcing myself to learn sympathy and empathy, trying to help others with their own struggles, I was also getting chronically online to distance myself from reality and consequences. I knew I wasn't being healthy and I knew I was slowly killing myself but I also didn't want to face what I'd done. So I blocked it out. But what happened during my recovery? Someone was holding me back. And while I won't say their name directly I will leave a hint because I want to explain my bitterness towards them. ➼ Was holding me back. They constantly lied about themselves what they went through and I could see it. And I would try and tell my friends who were also friends with them about it, while saying they could stay friends with them. But I didn't want to be associated with her. Bold text for overshadow i guess. Newsflash I never managed to get rid of her. She hung around my life like a ghost, someone I knew from the beginning was bad news but of course I played it off as my trust issues with everyone. My friend K was friends with her which led to ➼ thinking we were friends as well. We weren't. K left school. ➼ stayed. ➼'s lies spiraled more and more until I finally called her into the councilors office trying to maintain peace as I said we would not be friends anymore. Of course, as I suspected, she blew things out of the water. Rumors about me being mean to her. Making our friends feel as if they had to choose a side. Everyone took her side except girlfriend, god bless her I loved her. I was heartbroken I lost everyone else, because honestly I just wanted the lies to be gone. But I knew it would happen. Why choose someone like me when there was a proud confident person like ➼? It was a no brainer. It doesn't matter what the person is like usually, people are like sheep they follow the confident, ➼ was louder than me. She still is. And she still has everything while I have very little. She has partners lining up for her because she's "polyamorous" or whatever. I have had 6 partners and she has had even more than that. Oh speaking of partners that girlfriend I mentioned tried to commit suicide my mom and therapist think it was manipulation because I had been getting close with someone. I can't know. All I know is that Christmas Eve when I was sent messages and videos of scissors and skin I felt pure terror more than I had in my life. 

People seem to keep taking from me and somehow still winning and getting everything I want but don't have, but I'm going to keep going and I'm going to try and do better but you need, no deserve to know the whole story. I'm not just a good or bad person that's not how life works. I'm just human. I'm gray I'm not white nor black.