echoes of defiance (Rewriting)

chapter 26

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The kisses deepened, Zain's touch becoming more passionate and intense as he carried me to the bedroom. My heart raced, a whirlwind of emotions swirling inside me. Part of me wanted to trust him completely, but another part-filled with uncertainty-clung to fear. His hands moved tenderly, yet there was an urgency to his actions that sent shivers down my spine.

As Zain's hands slid over me, making my clothes disappear, I could hear my mother's and Amma's voices in my head, reminding me of everything they had taught me about marriage. I knew what was expected, and I didn't want to be cursed by the angels for refusing my husband, but fear gripped me like never before. *Is this going to hurt?*

A voice I didn't recognize as my own whispered, "I'm scared. Is it going to hurt?" My voice was so small, vulnerable, as I looked up at him, searching his eyes for reassurance.

Zain froze for a moment, his intense gaze softening as he met my eyes. He slowly removed his kaftan, his strong figure coming into view as he leaned closer. "I'm going to be gentle," he promised, his voice low and tender. "Just tell me when it hurts, okay?"

I nodded, trying to steady my breathing, but my nerves were on edge. The vulnerability of the moment was overwhelming, and I had never felt so exposed. His hands moved over my skin with care, but despite his words, the tension between us was undeniable. He recited softly, *Allahumma jannibnash-shayṭāna wa jannibish-shayṭāna mā razaqtanā* ("O Allah, keep the devil away from us and keep the devil away from what You bestow upon us"). His voice was calm, and for a moment, I felt a wave of peace wash over me.

But then the reality of the situation hit me-he wasn't as gentle as he promised. Pain shot through me, and I gasped, the sudden discomfort catching me off guard. Tears welled up in my eyes, and before I knew it, I was crying-quiet, helpless sobs that seemed to grow louder with each passing moment. The pain was sharper than I had imagined, and Zain, lost in the heat of the moment, didn't seem to hear my whimpers.

I tried to hold back the tears, to be brave, but the pain became too much. I cried out, like a child, the sobs uncontrollable now, but he continued, his focus entirely elsewhere. I couldn't breathe, the discomfort overwhelming every sense, and I felt utterly lost in the moment. Each second felt like an eternity, my tears spilling onto the pillow as I squeezed my eyes shut, praying for it to end.

Suddenly, I felt Zain's body stiffen. His breath halted for a brief moment, and then I heard him whisper, "*Inna lillahi wa inna ilayhi raji'un*" ("Verily, to Allah we belong, and to Him we shall return"). His voice was filled with regret, a realization dawning on him as he quickly withdrew and moved off me.

The room fell into a deep, heavy silence.

I lay there, trembling, my face wet with tears. My chest ached from the sobs, and I curled into myself, too overwhelmed to speak. Zain sat on the edge of the bed, running a hand through his hair, his back tense. He seemed at a loss for words, perhaps realizing the pain he had caused. His hand reached for mine, but I was too numb, too broken in that moment to respond.

"Habibti..." he began, his voice thick with emotion. "I'm so sorry. I didn't realize-I'm so sorry..."

I wanted to respond, to tell him it was okay, but the words wouldn't come. My body was exhausted, and all I could do was lie there, trying to steady my breathing. The vulnerability of the moment, the overwhelming pain, had left me shaken.

Zain shifted closer, gently pulling me into his arms. He held me tight, his lips brushing against my forehead, murmuring apologies over and over. "I'll never hurt you again, I swear... I love you so much... Please don't cry, baby..."

Despite the pain, his warmth was comforting. I nestled into his chest, my sobs slowly subsiding as I allowed myself to take in his presence. I knew he hadn't meant to hurt me, but the fear and pain lingered, making the moment bittersweet.