A Perspective

41

Unfortunately I’m the eldest daughter —

|Of course I have to learn everything by myself

A devastating merging of pain. Both produced by my parents who expressed love for me the wrong way.

I pity my mom who had to give up the life she wanted for the life she chose but the rage I felt for her as a daughter is something else I couldn’t just take off. I understand why my dad was always not by our side yet I hate him for thinking I’m the most understanding person in the world. . . I am not.

The rage of being a child who was an extension of their love yet was set aside and forgotten. The practice child who received all the misconducts and later called selfish, emotional, and sensitive.

Unfortunately, I am the eldest daughter so I have to understand everyone before me. The love and hate I feel for my parents for leaving me behind, having no one to look up to as I grew older. They ended up having a literature daughter. They ended up curving a perfectionist artist daughter. A bookworm who thinks of running away from home to heal from the things she doesn’t talk about.

I am an eldest daughter so my default is to sacrifice for my siblings.

I stood as a second parent for them, taught them things I learned by myself. They looked up to me so I couldn’t afford to fail. I feel burnt out but a small smile on their faces and I’m back to pleasing them again. I had to bottle up my emotions while they try to make fun of how deep a feeler I am. They are sarcastic as hell and I am sensitive as hell because we were raised with a big difference.

I over achieved things for praise but now I feel like I’m not good enough. They always say I’m the smartest but I know to myself that I’m just trying hard because I’m afraid they’d be disappointed. That when they compliment me, that means pressure in my dictionary. I’m even more afraid of disappointing them than disappointing myself, how cruel.

I hate how I get mad at them when I keep stressing about things they never worry about, am I the only one here who worries about it? Couldn’t they be more understanding for once? The plate is full, my hands are too. Couldn’t they lend a hand? I’m exhausted. They couldn’t read the room and offer help.

I am the eldest daughter and my affection is always wronged as selfishness. Leaving everything behind once I get the courage to leave my younger siblings. The courage to leave them in a toxic household in order to save myself. To leave them with bravery for not shedding a tear nor feeling guilty of not bringing them with me. Because I spent so long feeling so pointless of not having my life figured out as what my parents planned for me.

I’m an eldest daughter, even though my mom is present my whole life, she’s been an absent parent. Even though my dad is trying his best to be there for me he’s emotionally unavailable.

And I am the daughter they raised with pieces of their scars in life.

merMia