Virginity or virtue. What Really Defines Her?

03. Comfort and His lap

Comfort, for me, is not just about physical closeness. It’s about being treated with kindness, having the freedom to initiate, and never feeling uneasy in someone’s presence. With him, I found a space where I could be entirely open- physically, mentally and emotionally. From the very beginning, he made me feel safe, especially during a time when I was struggling with my darkest thoughts. I was in bad phase, where suicidal thoughts clouded my mind daily.

It was during one of those moments when he said something that made all the difference:
“You can just rant in front of me. I’ll listen.” and he did. I could talk to him about anything , no matter how trivial or intense. He became my safe harbour in a storm that I was
trying desperately to navigate.

When I was returning to town after my trip, we had a serious conversation. We both agreed that trusting a friend or someone we knew with this secret was risky. We needed privacy, a space where we would be together without the fear of being judged or discovered. Living with our families made it impossible to invite each other over, so we decided that a hotel was our best option. The idea was thrilling, but also nerve-wracking. I’d never done anything like this before, and the thought gave me mixed feelings- excitement tempered by anxiety.

He reassured me, saying he had found a place, a hotel recommended by someone he trusted. When he shared the location and pictures, I was taken aback. The room was stunning- elegant and inviting. It was sexy, a place where fantasies could easily turn into reality.

“It's really nice”, I texted him, already imagining the possibilities.
‘But then, reality hit me. “But the thing is, I lost all my savings on the trip. I don’t have money to contribute for the room’.

I know you guys might be wondering why you had to think about money, he is a man, mostly men pay!

But what I  think is,
It’s enjoyed by both, woman and man,
So why should he only pay? I should also contribute wherever and whenever we got,
It doesn't matter if it's 220  or 2400.

Do you agree?

“It’s alright,” he replied without missing a beat. It’s all on me this time, from next time we will split”

His response was considerate, easing my worries. We talked more about the spark we felt, the chemistry or should I say biology that had been building between us since the first drive.

I told him how I wanted things to start. “I’ll sit in your lap, and I want you to grab my waist. We’ll kiss for minutes, then lay down on the bed and just go with the flow. We will see where it takes, so how does this sound? Do you have something else in your mind?

No, no this is great!!

It was a simple plan, but one filled with anticipation. I wanted to let things unfold naturally, guided by the connection we shared. But as the conversion went on, I couldn't shake the nervousness. This was all new to me- going to the hotel, making these plans.

“Listen”, I said, my fingers hesitating over the keyboard . “ I’m feeling nervous, okay? Please don’t be a lesson; be a part of it. It's my first time, and I’ve never done anything like this before.”

His reply was immediate and reassuring. “Hey, it’s alright, it’s my first time too, don’t worry, I'm nervous too. We will figure it out together and relax”.

Those words, - “we’ll figure it out together”- took my heart in a way that nothing else could. It made me believe that he wouldn’t hurt me, that he was good for my mental health, as well as everything else.

“I’ll bring chocolate for you, " I texted with a smile, “ and tell you how to eat it.”

I could almost picture him blushing as he read the message, the thought making my own heart race with a mix of joy and anticipation.