Can I Lean On You | Finley & Harlyn #2

Chapter 14

Finley

It's been almost two weeks since the Evans family dinner, and I haven't brought up weddings or our not-really-conversation about the future since then. I haven't really known how to. But I need to. My anxiety is poking at me, prodding me to say something. Anything. And, as was obvious by how quickly I devolved into a rambling mess the other day, I can't do it in person. So, I text Harlyn when I have a bit of downtime between classes in the campus cafeteria, hoping he doesn't think I'm completely crazy to address this over text.

It's not the first time I haven't been able to get my anxiety thoughts out in spoken words. Over the summer, there was a day that we called, and my anxiety was so high. But I couldn't seem to force the why out of my mouth. And I ended up messaging it all while still on the phone with him. He was so patient with me then. Hopefully he'll be patient with me now.

Me: Ok. About weddings. Can I say something?

Harlyn: Of course, love. Shoot.

I force some of the tension out of my shoulders and start typing out the thoughts that have been rattling around in my head for a week and a half.

Me: I know we don't need to know this now, of course, but you know how I obsess about the future. And I don't want a repeat of last term when there was no talk of the future at all, and it got to both of us. And it was not good.

Me: I never really thought about being married because I didn't let myself think about it. Especially after my parents didn't take my coming out all that well. I couldn't imagine bringing someone home and definitely couldn't imagine marrying a boy with my parents there. Still can't to a point actually.

Me: I want a future with you whatever that looks like. You are the first person - boy or otherwise - that I've thought about having that kind of future with. Not friends forever like with Max. But a romantic future. The first person I've ever imagined being married to. It doesn't have to be marriage if that's something you don't want. Something we don't want. But something. A future.

Me: And I agree. I think we're pretty far from marriage anyway. We're still getting to know each other. In some ways it feels like I've only been dating you for a few weeks not months. We haven't even done like...other stuff if you know what I mean. Stuff beyond kissing. We haven't really talked about it, have we? I'd like to do that with you at some point.

I let out a squeak and blush to the tips of my ears when I realize I just typed that out and sent it without even thinking. And then I blush harder when I realize I'm in a half full cafeteria, sitting not five feet from a girl who definitely heard my gasp and saw me blush. I give her a fleeting smile and duck my head back over my phone.

Me: God did I just actually send that? I don't mean today or tomorrow. I'm just...opening up the discussion. I think it's important to communicate. And it's especially important for my anxiety to communicate about the future.

Me: I think that's all I have to say.

Me: I mean for now.

Me: Thoughts?

God, I'm a rambling mess even over text. I wait a painful five minutes trying to distract myself with a book before Harlyn responds.