ＴＷＯ ＢＩＲＤＳ

20

jisung spend the whole day in his room.
normally, I would go check on him, but now, I don't think I will be able to.

I feel....shy.
yes, I'm very very shy.

whatever happened between us in his room needs to be forgotten.
yes, 100%.

but like...I sorta need to do my job, so I can't just stay away from jisung the whole day.
so I decided to just act like nothing happened and go into his room to play monopoly.
he likes monopoly.
even tho he isn't good at it.

I took a deep breath, before knocking on his door.

"come in!"

you got this Minho.
you're a sexy muscular guy.
no, man.
a teenager with daddy issues can't make you loose your shit.

I opened the door, seeing jisung sitting on his bed, drawing something with earphones in his ears. I saw him tensed up a little when his eyes met mine.

he took out the earphones from his ears, his eyes never leaving mine.

"what do you want?"
he asked me.

I sighed.
what did I even wanted?

"uhm...wanna play monopoly...with me?"

he shook his head.
"I'm drawing right now. Do you need anything else?"

"jisung we need to talk about what happened."
I said, walking towards him and sitting down on the bed.

"nope."
he said, getting up from the bed and going to his desk, sitting down on the chair.
"we do not have to talk bout that."

"we both know we have to, you can't run
away from this."

"do I need to remind you that YOU kissed ME?"
he said.

"I know, I know, I'm sorry, I didn't think that it would go so...far."
I said, looking down on the floor.

"did you...not like it?"
he asked me, almost in a whisper.

I immediately looked back at him.
"I...no, no, I...I didn't mind it, but...but I know that both of us know that it's...wrong."

he hugged his knees, clearly feeling bad.
"I...I'm sorry."
he said, his voice breaking, a tear falling from his eye
"I'm sorry f-for kissing you."

"hey."
I immediately went to him, putting my hands on his knees.
"none of this is your fault, you're not doing anything wrong, okay? it's just that...."

he looked at me, more tears falling from his eyes.

I sighed.
"It can't happen. we both know that."

"I know."
he said looking down again.
"then why does it hurt so much?"

I cupped his face, wiping his tears with my thumbs.
"I care about you jisung. so much. I'm doing what's best for you."

"cut the bullshit. you're not doing what's best for me!"
jisung said, smacking my hands away.

"jisung, you don't-"

"understand? I'm pretty sure I do."
more tears stained his beautiful face, and all I wanted to to was to make it stop.
but I was the reason for the tears.

"listen to me, okay? this can never turn out good. never. I'm your bodyguard."

"no minho."
jisung shook his head.
"you were the only person who made me feel like I was alive."

I looked down.
I couldn't stare at him anymore.
his broken state...it was hurting me too much.

"I, han jisung, died on December 24. I'm not me anymore. whoever am I now...it's not me. it's not fully me. and the only time I felt like myself...was when I was with you."
his voice was weak.

all I wanted to do was to hug him and tell him I'm sorry.
but I can't.
I'm doing this for his own good.
he can't see it now, but he will understand.

"you feel like this because I'm the only person you're seeing everyday jisung."
I whispered to him.
"you got attached to me, because I was always with you. whatever you're feeling towards me...is not real."

it pains me to say this to him.
but in my own mind, it's true.
I was the only person who kept jisung company when he needed, who took care of him, who held him when he cried...he's like a prisoner here, of course he's going to get attached to the only person who treats him...decently.

even if he felt something towards me...those feelings weren't what he thought they were.

"what the fuck are you talking about?"
he sobbed out.

"I'm saying the truth jisung. no matter how sad and hurtful it is, it's still the truth."
I whisper.

"how the fuck can you know what I feel?"

I sighed.
I didn't.
but...his feelings couldn't be healthy.

he's been isolated here, with me.
he sees me as his savior.
as someone who he can always count on.
someone who won't leave him.

his mind can't work normally after being locked up here, only seeing the faces of few people.
he doesn't understand.

so I leave him.
I leave his room, closing the door behind me.

do I feel like a shirty person?
absolutely.

but even tho it hurts him...it hurts me too.
we're destined to be like this.
to hurt.
because we can't be together.
and even tho he doesn't understand that, I do.

this is probably one of the most depressing walks back to my room.
I care about jisung so much, and seeing him cry isn't a pretty thing for me.
it's actually devastating.
I hate seeing it.

I know that if the situation would be different, I would do anything to make him smile, and to make him happy, so I wouldn't ever have to see him cry.

but in this universe, I'm just his bodyguard who needs to keep him safe.

and he's a fragile soul, who doesn't understand things, because he has been isolated for too long.