To Be Honest: Genuine Conversations With God

💛//God's Love & Reassurance

I am wrapped within such a warm blanket of comfort and security, it's like my August days are back again.

I was reading some poems of mine that I wrote during August last year, when life was like a dream and I was at my calmest, was more at peace. When I genuinely decided to love myself and put effort into that process no matter how difficult it might be. When I actually cared.

I'm almost always on fight/flight mode or very tense. Like holding your breathe in anticipation of huge waves. As I read those poems, I felt like crying because I missed the peaceful times so so much.

Then, it didn't feel like I was holding my breathe in anticipation of storms, or like I had to brace myself for the worst.

I was thinking about this some time last week, and felt so undeniably sad about how far and different that time felt. In passing, I muttered something about how I'd do anything to have those days back, and went about my day. I forgot that I'd ever said that until today.

The rains came on Saturday. It's not about the rain, really. It's been raining on and off since last year August. It's a state of mind. And since this Saturday, it's felt like someone took me back home.

I've been reconciling my relationship with God, and it's these little things that He's been doing that make me feel so cared for I could cry.

Last month, in the first weeks of January, I realised that I didn't love God. I'm sure He knew that since, was just waiting for me to realise it. And when I did, I was like, "oh. Is that why walking with You has been so difficult? Because I don't even love You in the first place?" Not long after that, I read a verse about how "If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. It was from 1 John 1:6.

Since then, I asked myself, how does a person learn to love another? The first obvious answer was, by knowing them. I came across the verse where Jesus talks about wineskins and how you do not put new wine in old wineskin. That if you do, the wineskin will burst, the new wine will run out, and the wineskin will be ruined.

"No, they pour new wine into new wineskins, and both are preserved."
I read that from Matthew 9:17. This moved me to pray about my heart, asking God to create in me a new heart so that I can be a fitting vessel for His love, and I can learn to love Him genuinely.

Thanks to the influence of my father, I started praying again at a consistent time everyday before I went to bed. This time has been different from how I've been conversing with God. It feels less like an obligation. More like something I genuinely want to do.

Now, I talk to Him like I would a friend, discussing my fears, hopes, dreams, passing observations. I still have 'deep' prayer sessions, but now I relate with Him more like a person and less like a far off entity. I could start with random singing, then switch to conversation, then speaking in tongues, and quiet requests. I've also found that it's easier for me to genuinely pray about and for those that matter to me.

It's February, it's been a month since I realised that I didn't love God, and I love Him more than I did before. I don't understand how it's possible, sometimes it feels so unreal, but it is real.

The past days have been filled with answered prayers from God. Direction, expressions, etc. The thing that makes me feel so loved is that it's the 'little things' He's been answering. I'm sitting on my bed, it's another August day, and I'm at the verge of tears because this means so much to me, and I know He knows how much it means to me.
I'm so grateful.

I'm learning that when it comes to cultivating a relationship with God, learning to love Him, it's not a one sided thing. He also reassures you of His love for you through these little things. Well, He's always been doing them, but you become more aware of it. He's always been able, but you learn to commit your plans into His hands, trust Him, and ask.

I thought it'll just be about me putting effort into learning His ways and trying to follow Him, but He's showing me that He's carrying me. That all I need to do is lean on Him, work with Him. That He has my back, and I love Him so much for that. He's now my friend, and it's such a privilege to have this kind of relationship with Him.

13:13
20.02.24

- Onarietta I. Remet