To Be Honest: Genuine Conversations With God

💙💛 Anger

I've been very angry
I've held a lot of anger

I was angry and very depressed during most of my teen years. It made it impossible for me to get past a lot of things.

I was hurt, and felt cast aside and ignored... and misunderstood. Alone. And that hurt made me angry.
Very angry. Livid even.

You know anger that chokes you and the very air you breathe? That's how I felt.

Before 2024 started, God told me that He'd do deep work on me. I didn't have any idea what He meant. That was around October. I was on a self-imposed hiatus or fast from secular music. I was struggling badly. 😂
One fateful evening, I'd just finished listening to very secular music and had sent an embarrassed apology to God for my lack of trustworthiness towards myself, and most importantly Him. I'd promised that I would only listen to songs about His relationship with us and our relationship with Him.

"I'm seriously struggling with this. I don't know how to do it."

"Don't worry. I'll do deep work on you come next year."

I froze in my steps. Deep work You say? Okay.
I was amused and curious. Very curious.

Come this year, God took me by the hand back to all the hurt I'd buried and suppressed.

I have a lot of things I want to... dream to do, but I've found it difficult to do a lot of those things.

I was sitting silently earlier this year, wondering what to pray about when He probed gently.

"You're still very angry at your parents. Your dad especially".

I recoiled. Another wound located.

"God, I'm sorry, I really am, but I don't know how to forgive them, or him alone. I don't see how can do anything to that effect. I can listen to them, be more understanding and compliant now, but I don't know how I can not resent them for that."

Forgive, with or without an apology. That's what I'd always believed. It'll do you more good, because you're the one carrying the burden of anger, not them. Sounded very logical.

Easier said than done. I had no idea how to go about that. It was very upsetting. I was upset and felt stuck.

A verse was brought to my remembrance:

Philippians 4:6-7 NKJV
Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.

I Peter 5:6-7 NKJV
Therefore humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you in due time, casting all your care upon Him, for He cares for you.

So, I prayed about it. I prayed for help to forgive my parents, my dad especially. I told God that I'd need to have a conversation with him about everything. I knew he was upset with me too and quite disappointed. I had no idea how I'd initiate a conversation like that. I was too scared of not being able to communicate anything properly...or not being heard out. Asked God to soften my dad's heart, to soften my own too.

That was February. I prayed for months. I really hoped it'll happen as a birthday present of sorts. My birthday came and passed, nothing happened, but we were changing. I could see it. Internal work takes time. I continued praying.

Sometime around mid-June, my dad and I had the first of two/three conversations. I cried during both. We're not yet where I wish we'd be. I doubt I'm a daddy's girl and there are a lot of things I still cannot assuredly and comfortably talk about with him. I yearn to have those conversations with my dad...my parents really, but we still have a lot to work through.

The hurts and disappointments over the years have distorted our perception of eachother. I know he loves me a lot, but sometimes I don't see it. And as I recently realised, I still have a lot of anger to work through.

James 1:20 NKJV
for the wrath (anger) of man does not produce the righteousness of God.

Anger is like cement... Or more like quicksand. It doesn't take you anywhere good. It makes you clench your teeth or harden your heart and willingly refuse to move anywhere beyond what upsets you. It hinders genuine growth and hurts us even more than we've been hurt.

I got terribly angry recently, and was reading a book that had a character that was very livid after years of being docile. I could relate to her... it made me sad and also made me realise everything you've just read.

Proverbs 3:5-6
Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.

Don't lean on the understanding of your anger. Trust God and seek His guidance, and He'll straighten everything out for you. He loves you that much. In thick and thin. Through joy and sorrow. He delights in you and wants to be your strength in your weak areas. Fear not, for He is with you. He will never leave you nor forsake you that you may boldly say the Lord is your helper.

Isaiah 41:10
Hebrews 13:6

I'm still hold quite some anger, but God is helping me.

19:44
28.12.24