Nakakainis.
Nakakairita.
Nakakabuwisit.
Hmp! Panay si Bea ang tinatawag niya sa recitation kahit pa nga ba sa lahat ng mga tanong niya ay walang mintis ang pagtaas ko ng aking kamay. Kahit nga sa mga tanong na hindi ko naman talaga alam ang sagot ay nagtataas ako ng kamay, hoping he would call me. Na lilingon siya sa direksyon ko at papansinin na pumasok na ako sa klase niya bilang ako mismo!
But he didn't. Not once did his eyes drift in my direction. Each time he asked a question, I'd see his gaze sweep over the room, but it was like there was a blind spot right where I was sitting. It was infuriating.
I was in over my head. Baka masyado lang akong nag-iisip at ang totoo pala ay wala naman talaga siyang pakialam. Masyado lang siguro ang pagbasa ko sa kilos mga kilos niya. I hated that I was letting this get to me.
Nagpatuloy ang discussion. Ako naman ay nawalan na ng gana na makisali. I sighed, lowering my hand slowly and finally deciding it wasn't worth the effort. Hindi naman ako pinapansin. Why should I bother? I watched as he paced at the front of the classroom, still effortlessly engaging with other students, particularly Bea. Every time she answered, he seemed genuinely pleased, and it annoyed me more than it should have.
Kaibigan ko si Bea pero papansin siya ngayong araw at nakakainis lalo dahil pinapansin naman siya!
Feeling frustrated and a bit defeated, I decided to take out my phone and hide it behind my notebook. No big deal—other students did it too when the class got boring or when they were no longer interested. Katulad ng siyang nararamdaman ko ngayon. Bahala na sila. Sila na lang ang mag-aral. Magpapaturo na lang ako kay Anja mamaya sa bahay pag-uwi namin para hindi naman mababa ang score ko sakaling magpa-quiz siya.
I scrolled through my feed, looking for something to distract me from the irritation boiling inside. As I scrolled, I saw a notification from Skyler, the senior I'd had a crush on for a while. Napangiti ako. Papansin rin naman ang isang 'to sa akin pero mas subtle ang galawan nito kumpara sa iba. Maybe because he knew I liked him back.
He'd replied to one of my Instagram stories. Seryoso at tahimik lamang si Skyler, kaya ko nga ito nagustuhan. Maybe I had a type. Ayaw ko sa mga lalaki na katulad ni Oxygen, mas madaldal pa sa babae.
Skyler wasn't much of a talker, but I'd always thought he was cute in a laid-back, mysterious kind of way. Binuksan ko ang notification na nakuha ko mula sa kaniya.
His reply was simple—a smiley face with heart eyes emoji. Not exactly a conversation starter, pero dahil bored ako ay puwede na rin. I quickly typed out a response, adding another emoji—a wink with a tongue out, playful but not too forward. Sinend ko na agad bago pa magbago ang isip ko.
I glanced up briefly, checking to see if Mr. Yniguez had noticed my distraction. But he was still focused on the discussion, asking more questions, calling on other students. Eh, 'di huwag mong pansinin!
I went back to my phone, feeling a little more relaxed now that I had something else to focus on. Pilit ko talagang kinakalimutan ang inis ko. Binalingan ako ng mga katabi ko nang mapansin ang ginagawa ko pero no comment naman sila dahil pare-pareho lang naman kami. Tulad ko ay gawain rin nila iyon!
I waited, watching the screen for any sign of Skyler typing a reply. I tapped my fingers lightly on the edge of my desk, trying to act casual, pero ang totoo ay excited na akong sumagot sa kung anuman ang mini-message nito. This was silly, I knew, but it was also fun. A welcome distraction from the frustration of being ignored.
A few seconds later, my phone buzzed with another message from Skyler. Napangiti ako kahit pa nga ba hindi naman kangiti-ngiti ang reply nito. Wala. Masaya lang ako na hindi ko kailangan ikulong sa inis na nararamdaman ang pansin ko. I quickly opened it. It was another emoji, a laughing face with tears of joy.
