Ascension

Chapter 6

I awake as apart of my routine before the dawn, sharply brought to reality from the peace sleep allowed me, once again straining my eyes to the sliver of grey between the white blinds, though today unlike every other day I had done this ritual, my vision blurred. 

Gripping my sheets I force my yes to dry, reminding myself of just how close I was to my goal, which brought a new grip of terror over my heart.

 I focused my breath, slow and steady , reminding myself that 'this' was what I had been raised for. 'This' was the purpose of my being born. And if I were to be caught openly weeping, surely the Seraphim would charge me with a higher dose of Holy Water. 

It was tempting, the idea of Holy Water increase. 

I had been craving my injection since my time on the Firmament yesterday, and it only grew in measure as I unwillingly thought of Sister Murray in clothes of grey wrapped in her white sheets like a shroud, of the machine and its resounding finality as I allowed the Mothers to cart her delicate frame into it, of my father in his grave, and of other angels such as Angelica who, like myself, had been chosen for Ascension with yearning to become among the Seraphim.

Despite being in the unchanging environment of Heaven, and nestled under my comforter, I shivered uncontrollably, my arm broken into gooseflesh as my core trembled.

All I could think of was how we were to Ascend, how it would be so impossible to become a Seraphim. 

How I may have just witnessed my future in Sister Murrays fate.

 Laying awake I squeezed my eyes shut, wishing for sleep that refused to return and allow me relief, unlike my usual practice of enjoying every waking moment I had outside that of Holy Waters ensnarement.

I shuttered. 

Now, gripped by the fear of what would happen in 6 days time, I found I wished for sleep, wished for Holy Water.

Wished to go into oblivion unknowing and quietly. 

My alarm blared its three loud tones next to me and I struggled not to scramble out of bed in a shaky mess as my blinds opened as always to reveal a pale green sky over the white rooftops. 

I turn to the bathroom, trying not to seem anxious as I listen to the daily greeting of my Seraphim overhead following me through my white clad bedroom to the white tiled bathroom. 

"Good morning, Angel Ayira. It is currently 6am. Today begins the 6th day until your release. Please, rise and give thanks."

I wanted to scream, was shaking and sweating too much as I entered the bathroom. 

Why must she remind me of the time? 

Of the remaining days until my ultimate goal? 

She called it release but my stomach grew knotted the more I thought of it as a Sending. The more my mind couldn't shake the image of Sister Murray, of the heavy door shutting behind her.

I step in front of the mirror, not really seeing my reflection, I forced a shaky breath out, urging the peace and calm my mother and my aunt had grilled into me since my childhood.

Why had they never spoken to me of sending's? Of death? If the Seraphim were a lie- was God as well? 

No. 

I believed the scriptures, I knew the power I felt in the Church, had seen miracles preformed.

So thinking, my steadying breath I took while shaking in front of the mirror as I always did I reminded myself that- even if I failed to face the Seraphim, to become among their ranks and I in fact became a Sacrifice- that I would be of his Sacrifice and would go to where He chose me to. 

I must trust Him, not the lies of the Seraphim .

Opening my eyes, I peered to my sweating face, took another steadying breath and opened my mouth.

"All hail God who cared for us: the Angels.

All hail to the powers on high, may they guide us to Nirvana.

I will perform my duties effectively, efficiently, with no questions and no qualms.

Thus is the way to a beautiful world.

And with this, we shall guide the Fallen, in hopes of bringing them to Heaven, to redemption.

Amen."

The flash of the mirror took far too long, the voice echoing against the tile" Morning report- 28, Monday, of February. Year A. 301. The daily task assigned:  Reflection and meditation along with attendance of daily prayer. You may begin your morning, Angel Ayira."

And with shaking hands I lifted the vial of Holy Water, looking to the words and barcode as I always did. 

It seemed no different.

I couldn't wait for its dose. If it was increased- there was nothing I could do about it.

I need it. 

So thinking I gather up what little fat I can and inject my thigh.

Relief was instant. 

I didn't forget the bony hand, nor my fathers mottled skin. But I quickly viewed them in a brighter light, I am without hurt or pain or worry at any of it. I think of my Ascension in 6 days with a jubilant glee- why would I even consider it a Sending? Why would I have such dark thoughts to such an honored roll.

The awareness of Holy Waters effect remains, but I ignore the reasoning. I don't want to be logical today, or to hold tight to such deep a burden. 

I just want to-

The Holy Water is working and I brush my hair, flat. Perfect. My teeth. Go and dress into my daily robes, my sash tightened around my waist. 

Morning bells are a beautiful ring in the air, urging me to The Church. 

Today shall be a wonderous day. 

Today I shall walk the streets of Heaven, and pray in The Church, and I shall be thankful. 

Blinking up to the early morning sky I sigh in content, feeling lighter than I have had in quite some time. 

Moving forward I join the crowed to the steps of The Church, aware of Laels presence next to me a bit belated. 

"Good Morning Ayira," he says. His voice is wonderful. I love that voice. 

I look up to him, his face haloed by the morning light, reminding myself I must focus, and pull my attention away before I begin counting his freckles, momentarily distracted by the 2 nearest the corner of his eye. 

They crinkle when he smiles. 

I nod, humming at him. It is a good morning, and I sigh in content. 

We enter The Church amidst the crowed and I tell myself, just now, just for now, I can let go. 

Holy Water makes yesterdays Sending an easy memory to review. 

Pushing away every warning my mother and Aunt ever gifted, I allow myself this luxury. 

It was too painful not to.