I Loved You First

Chapter 9: William

AUGUST

"Hey, superstar." Elle's sweet, soothing voice breaks through my string of chaotic thoughts.

I look down to see her making her way up the stairs of the stadium as the blinding lights dim into flood lights.

"Thought I'd find you here." She smiles.

"I knew you would," I admit, moving my bag for her to sit beside me.

I knew she'd come looking for me here and since she's the only one I wanted to find me, our spot it was. Five rows up on the far left side of the stadium.

We've been meeting up here to workout together or just be alone since freshman year. Especially over the summers. Elle would run the stadium stairs or track while I ran the wider stadium sections or did sprints. Then we'd sit in this spot and talk, or not talk, for as long as we could get away with.

"You were incredible tonight, Will. The guys said you were named player of the game," she says cautiously, taking her spot beside me on the wide concrete bleacher.

"Yeah, I heard," I reply, the warmth of her body next to mine already like a balm to my nervous system.

"Want to tell me what's going on in that gorgeous head of yours? I'll listen." She loops her left arm under my right, settling in to hear me out.

I take a breath, pondering the question.

"Honestly, Elle, I'm not sure. I played one of the best games of my life tonight and yeah, I'm proud of that. But...I don't know. I guess I'm just not proud of who I play for?" I say, attempting to put words to what it is I'm feeling.

"I mean, we lost pretty badly tonight and everyone celebrated as if it were some great triumph. Like we weren't even expecting a chance to win and the fact that we didn't get completely blown out was good enough for them. Even Carter, Graham, Hud... It's every game. Every year."

I stare out at the field, running a hand over my hair in frustration.

"Is it me? Do I just expect too much? Want too much? I feel like there's something wrong with me, Elle. Like I'm crazy because I'm the only one that cares. And I don't know, maybe I care too much, but I just want to be around people that want more. People that actually give a... You know."

Elle traces a lazy finger down my arm as she listens.

"There was this moment, at the end of the game tonight. I was on the sideline looking across the field and I couldn't get the thought out of my mind. How would my life be different if I were on the other side? If my parents had moved me to Middlebury when I asked to go. God, I probably sound crazy." I look over at her, my eyes searching for some sort of understanding in hers.

She reaches her hand up to the side of my face. "Will, you're not crazy at all and there's absolutely nothing wrong with you. Of course you wonder that. So, let's go there... What do you think would be different?" she asks, leaning her head on my shoulder.

"Well, I'm sure I would have had more actual offers from the schools I'm still waiting on by now. More help getting noticed. Probably even committed somewhere before my senior season started," I say, picturing it all in my mind.

"So it's all about football?" she asks.

"No, not all about it. Their academics are way better, which definitely would have helped to get into the 30s on the ACT already. I just - I feel like I'd be happier if I had gone there. Able to learn from the best coaches and surrounded by guys that actually care as much as I do. More guidance." I stop and take a breath. "Less pressure." A weight feels like it's being lifted from my chest even saying the words out loud.

She thinks a second. "Makes sense. You're probably right. You may not have had the kind of pressure that you've had being here, but just to flip the script... Do you think you'd be the person you are today without the experiences you've had here? Good and bad?" She slides over between my legs to face me as I answer.

"Well, no. Probably not. But maybe I could have been a better person. A happier person," I say, looking down, rubbing a swollen spot on my left hand.

"Will..." She places her pretty hands on each of my knees in assurance. "You are the best, most amazing person I know. I'm just saying, don't you think that you are this amazing person, in part, because of the experiences and path life has taken you so far? Like each year that's gone by has shaped you into the guy you are today, refining you in a way that maybe you just can't see right now? You forget, I've been witness to it all."

I reach up to rub the back of my neck. "Yeah, maybe. You know how it is, though. It's easy to think the grass must be greener elsewhere. Like five minutes down the road," I say a little bitterly.

"I know, but that grass could also be dead, dying, or just spray painted." She laughs and runs a hand under my chin to meet her eyes. "You also could have gone to Middlebury and become a totally different person. A lesser person. And what about me? Who would I have been without you? Who would you have been without me?" she asks, playfully holding her hands up towards her face all cute like.

I laugh, clasping my hands behind my head.

Good point.

She gets quiet and her face shifts to a more serious, earnest expression. "And when it comes to happiness... I think it's more a mindset, Will. If you can't find it wherever you're at, I'm not sure you can expect to with a change of scenery."

I rub my hands over my hair, taking in what she said.

"I know you're right," I admit softly, finally gaining some sense of clarity. "Nights like tonight are just, hard. I get so in my head that I can't get out."

"I'm sorry, Will. I wish I could help," she says apologetically.

I look at her sitting across from me, legs pulled up to her chest, the warm August air blowing her hair back from her face.

What would I do without her?

"You already help, Elle. You always do." I pull her over into my chest, her back to my front, and wrap my arms around her.

"I swear you're the reason I survive here," I whisper into her hair, meaning every word.

We sit, healing in the silence as the cicadas chirp our soundtrack.

"Let's skip the diner, just stay here for a little while. Is that okay?" I ask, breathing in the comforting scent of her hair.

She leans her head back to kiss my jawline. "Perfect."

I look out at the stars lighting up the darkness around us and am reminded of a quote that she kept in our locker last year.

When it's dark enough, you can see the stars.

Emerson, I think? She loves Emerson.

And right now, tonight, I feel like I'm seeing those words play out in vibrant, living color.

Eloise James is my sky full of stars.

The darker my world feels, the brighter she shines.