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by delestocia

by delestocia

bathroom 6am.
I woke up to the sun shining through the window. I was in the same position since last night. I cried myself to sleep or just faded off to sleep. It was a Saturday. I had regain the feeling and strength to move my body. I put my clothes on quickly and put the scale back under the sink cabinet and Walked out the bathroom just to speed walk to my bedroom slamming the door and blocking the door with my body while panting. I locked the door and collapsed onto my bed. It was cold but parts of my bed which had been in contact with the window that had the sun shined through were a bit warm. I fucking hate my body. I just lied there. Crying but trying not to make a sound so my mother doesn't hear the sobs. I shoved my face in my pillow and sobbed. I let go of everything. In seconds my pillow became wet and full of snot, tears. I couldn't do anything about it except pinch the fat on my body i hate. I pinched harder on my thighs. It hurt like a bitch. Each time I shed a tear I woukd pinch harder. My legs were going numb and the pain was unbearable but i couldn't stop what so ever. My thighs were starting to bruise up. After a few minutes I just gave up and cried deeply. I've never felt this way before. I decided to go to sleep, the sun was already rising but i just went under my comforter and cuddled it hoping it to hug me back and give me comfort.

9am.
I woke up in my underwear and my purple long sleved fitted shirt I was wearing it the night before. My hair was a mess. Drool was everywhere; on everything. I just laid down spreading my limbs out because I couldn't bare the feeling of my legs touching together or any limb at all. What was the point in living if Im fat? What was the point of having perfect skin if Im fat? I walked to my bathroom, my feet hitting the cold wooden floors then tiles. I rumaged through my sink cabinet to find my razor that i used to shave my body. I opened the razor til only i had the blade. My hand was shaking, sweating, eyes shaking right to left while looking at the blade. I walked back to my room, legs shaking and trembling. I locked my door and sat on my bed. My left hand holding the blade and my right hand flipping the blade over and "playing" with it. I knew what I wanted to do. I wanted to cut myself. Hoping for the strength and courage to slice my thighs the fastest i can. I can't. I couldn't bare the cold metal touching my thighs. I couldn't bare the scars. I couldn't bare the guilt after it. I couldn't ruin my legs. Who would do that? Ruin their thighs? Why would I do that to myself or anyone. I placed the razor on my bed-side table and sighed. A deep sigh.

10am.
I just stayed in my room not doing anything. Just staring into space and thinking about who knows what. Im confused and seek comfort but who can help me? Finally breaking out of my spell I heard footsteps. It was my mother, I can tell her footsteps based on her weight and because I knew her so well. I quickly went under my comforter because I was only in my underwear and top. *3 knocks* same sequence. "Em, you awake?" I didnt reply. I was stuck, "Im coming in" she said. Trying to open the door but I locked it earlier today. She knocked again but louder. "Emma open the door please" this time I finally snapped out of it. "GIVE ME A MINUTE MUM" I said quickly finding my joggies. I quickly put them on stumbling to the door while wiggling my foot in the joggers. I unlocked the door. "Are you hungry?" My mother asked. "Woah did you just wake up? You look like a traumatised state" she added on jokingly. "haha yea, no im not hungry thanks" i said. "You know breakfast is the most important meal but okay, just remember to eat lunch, not sure if i'll be home in time. Okay off to work bye sweetie. Love you" she said giving me a peck on the forehead. I can feel the lipgloss on my head. "Okay I will, bye, love you mum" I said. She smiled back and closed the door. I went back to my bed and sat there twirling my hair.
I decided to go on my laptop. I got this for my 13th birthday. My mum worked really hard for it. I know she did. She would work extra hours just for the money. It wasn't the best laptop but it was good. I had the best electronic in the house. I logged in and searched up "How to lose weight quick for 13 year old" It was just the same old same old. "Eat slower" "Excerise more" "Eat vegetables" Its always the same. Until I found this website. Tumblr. Thats the fucking stupid website Anna always talked about. Pfft. *how to lose weight >.<* It didnt look like the other websites. I clicked on it. It was a massive blog but the person who wrote it was real about it. They never sugarcoated it. They said everything. "Hey bitch, if you're skinny go away cuz ur perfect :3 if ur not.... its okay cus ill help you, FATTY" How is this going to help me lose weight.
"step one: why eat? why do you eat so much, why would you have such a good relationship with food if you hate the way you look?" ....this blog hit me hard.

blog: (THIS IS A FICTION BLOG PLEASE DONT LISTEN TO THIS)

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Hey bitch, if you're skinny go away cuz ur perfect :3 if ur not.... its okay cus ill help you, FATTY.
Heres a step by step guide on how to be skinny. Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.

step 1: why eat? why do you eat so much, why would you have such a good relationship with food if you hate the way you look? Stop eating so much for fucks sake. JUST DONT EAT!! haha jking ofc ur gna have to eat or you will die. but hardly fucking eat. Do like idk 72hr fasts but if ur a newbie do like 24 idk but just dont eat.

step2: look at motivation, my page has some. look at skinny bodies. body goals. skinny inspo. quotes. if u stick to this u will be those girls. no you will be THAT girl

step3: u need 2 have self control, if u dont be ready for a life time of being fat ur whole life >.<

step4: live off of water, ur bff will be water during this journey. drink water before every meal so ur not as hungry

step5: talking abt meals dont have full meals. just snacks and portion ur shit also dont eat above 700 calories u fattass :3
best low kcal food r rice cakes, cucumbers, watermelon idk js find sum low shit stuff on the internet

step6: u eat tm? puke it.

step7: pretend youre eating and bin food so it looks like u ate we dont want ppl to get suspicious

and ya thats all thx and good luck hopefully u will end up skinny.

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comments

user18282701: wait stop cus im at my goal weight n ive been only doing this for 3 months THX U QUEEN >_<
|reply—> YOURE SOOO WELCOME YAYAYAYA XX

user10803728: omg thx ive lost sm weight !
|reply—> woohoo keep doing it :p xx

user82737876: [deleted by owner: guys dont do this, it's so dangerous]
|reply—> sorry your fat ig? lol....

user98529377: YESS THX UU ILL TRY THIS OUT
|reply—> YAY GOOD LUCK BABA!! XX

comment: ___________. send[_]
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11am.
"Woah, all the comments seem to be praising this blog. I'll try this out..." I said, putting on my socks and decided to go to my kitchen. A plate of pancakes with syrup on it was sitting there waiting for me. My mother made it for me. I got a forked and cut off some pieces of the pancake and binned the scraps i cut off so it looked like i ate it like what the blog told me to do. I put the sticky fork in the sink. I walked back to my living room and put the telly on. I put on a show that I've been watching orginally.

9:12pm:
The front door lock was being unlocked, thats my mum came home from work. "Hey sweet pea, did you eat? I thought I had time to make you lunch and dinner but stupid work held me back" my mother asked, "yea i made myself food" i smiled at my mother, she was completely oblivious towards it. I haven't ate infact my stomach is rumbling saying that to her. "Good. I'm going to take a shower, see you sweet pea" mum said walking to her bedroom to get her clothes. I stood up and switched off the telly. Walked to my room.