Somewhere, Beyond The Dark Cloud (Complete ✅)

dear sia

Dear Sia,

Have I ever counted on reasons to love you?How is that even possible? There's too many to be numbered. How can I do that when I don't find a single flaw in you. You have been the epitome of beauty since the moment I laid my eyes on you. And it only knew how to grow bigger and bigger with every word you speak and the more I know your heart, the more I fall for you. You don't know but with every radiance of your perkiness recklessly brings out the light within the gloom inside of me. Now you don't even need to do anything to make me love you more. Your presence is all that ever matters. I don't need a kiss from your lips to make my heart be filled with elation. Although, I'm sure that I'd lose my mind for real and in fact forget to fall asleep if I ever get to kiss you. But all I've known is that your mere presence, even if I see you from afar, brings out a strange satisfaction in my heart.

Is it even possible to have that deep serenity while feeling almost hysterical all at the same time? I want you so much, if I ever be lucky enough to call you mine, I'd be so happy that I could die. I know it sounds unbelievable, but I love you too much. So much that I can be selfless and won't allow to let you be a part of my mournful life.

Dear Sia,

Have you ever tried counting the stars? That's exactly how it's like to count the reasons to love you. How is that even possible? There's too many to be numbered. How can I do that when I don't find a single flaw in you. You have been the epitome of beauty since the moment I laid my eyes on you, nothing and no one else is better. And it only knew how to grow bigger and bigger with every word you speak and the more I know your heart, the more I fall for you. You don't know but with every radiance of your perkiness, you recklessly force a hint of light within the darkness inside me. Now you don't even need to do anything to make me love you more. Your presence is all that ever matters. I don't need a kiss from your lips to make my heart be filled with elation. Although, I truly believe that I'd lose my mind for real and in fact forget to fall asleep if I ever get to kiss you. However, all I've known is that your mere presence, even when I see you from afar, brings out a strange satisfaction in my heart.

Is it even possible to have that deep serenity while feeling almost hysterical all at the same time? I want you so much. If a miracle ever happens and I'd be lucky enough to call you mine, I'd be so happy that I feel like I could even die. I know it sounds unbelievable, but I love you too much.

So much that I can be selfless and not allow to let you be a part of my misery of a life.

I'm not even sure if I'm capable of giving you the tiniest things you deserve. My life is like an elegy of hopelessness but you are that beautiful serenade of aspirations. You are as far as the sky is from the earth. However, as imaginary as it seems, the horizon does allow them to flaunt their togetherness through something as good as a line. But we have nothing that could help us to hold onto each other and survive, for I am like a dark cloud that isn't even granted a silver lining.

Sia, I'm already too tired of grieving so long, my life on its own is a burden and all I can radiate is pain. You see, my dear mother, she didn't die that day, it happened a very long time ago. Biologically, when a heart stops beating, the flesh dies. But when a heart loses hope, the spirit dies. Life had been seeping out of her since the day dad left. I've seen her die painfully, everyday and her presence was just a pretentious act of survival. You don't know how traumatizing had it been for me to see her lifeless body suffocating every day. I've seen her struggle, dragging herself to stand up, trying to get things together and live, for me. But that brought in more failure than anything else. It might be wrong, but it was too much for me to endure seeing her like that, and I would silently wish for her final farewell to come.

The alcohol and the disease didn't kill her, Sia, Love was the cause of her death.

And now she's gone, leaving me as good as an orphan. I thought all that trauma would end with her but it didn't. Now it feels like it found its way to rebound with me like a curse. Now, I am the one dying with loneliness. I'm all alone now Sia.

And the irony of the situation is that you are the only one I want to have but I can't. I just can't. Because it would be as good as a sin to let you drown with me. For I have nothing to offer you when you deserve all the happiness in the world. And I'm nothing. I was rejected before I was born. I was born out of haterade and I've lived being hated and I've come to accept that I don't deserve to be loved.

But, Sia, you deserve the best of everything good in the world.

However, when I see the pictures of my mother's youthful days, it horrifies me. Makes me realise how love and desire is capable of sucking life out of a person who's capable of smiling so brightly, a smile just like yours, so careless, yet abundant.

Love.

  I don't trust the word, Sia, and it horrifies me more because I do love you, so much that it's agonizing. Sia, I really am incapable of giving you the happiness you deserve. I'm too scared and haunted by the effects of love, broken relationships and grief. I'm broken, my love, I'm too weak to stand up, too weak to hope, too weak to breathe, too weak to deserve you, too weak to love because I'm too weak to live.

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