As you might've guessed, I started dating Levi and Bella eventually broke up with her boyfriend after catching him cheating the second time. As you might've also guessed Susannah died. And yes belly did drive a wedge between Conrad and Jere and yes Jere never came around again. And it might be a bit of a surprise to you that I visited Susannah. I wasn't heartless and she was hurt. I did talk to Jere a little bit.
School was boring at best. I missed Levi and her all the time. Some days were just not my day. I couldn't even bring myself to look at the letter s without almost bursting into tears. Seeing my name didn't help either, so I changed it to my middle name. Not on school work, but on my socials and my friends started calling me by middle name. I don't remember if I told you guys but it's Autumn. I had summer birthday but I radiated fall energy. Which kind of crazy to me considering my favorite season is Winter. For me being awake was the worst. I could dream of a picnic Susannah set up or Susannah being my flower girl at my wedding with Levi. I loved Levi. But it was rough not seeing him as much.
I talked to Belly, about homework and some times volleyball and if mom needed her to do something. Other than that she would like my videos and I would like hers and that was it.
It was officially summer, officially that time of year where drama unfolds and somehow I get blamed for it. I did get invited to the grad party by one of my senior friends and I thought I may as well.
Mommy, can I wear this?
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Yes, you can. Yay, and I made the reservation ok? Thank you. I love you. I love you too, now can you help me find the tickets? They're on the counter mom. Oh. Steven gets a gift from her. Sorry, I did it again. Form Susannah. Classic her. I missed her. I missed Levi.
I call Levi and he props his phone up. What should I wear? Wear that. No, I wore this at the graduation and I can't wear it to the party. What party? The grad party, which you should be getting ready for. Why aren't you going to yours? I don't want to. You have to go, this only happens like twice in your lifetime. High school and college, and you will go. But there'll be people. Even better, make some more friends. I have enough friends, you need to make more friends. What? I have friends, I love my friends. You hardly ever hang out with your friends. You need to be you again. You were so bright and happy. I know you lost her, but she would want you to be happy again. But how can I be happy if I miss her? If I miss you? Autumn. Can you please just pick one, Levi? Sure.
He chooses
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Can you promise me you won't talk to boys! If you promise to go to your grad party. I promise. Me too. I love you. I love you too baby, bye. You hang up and leave.
Steven, I say. I liked your speech, it was good. No, it was great. I haven't exactly been the most vocal or tender these past few months and I'm sorry, I'm proud of you just so you know. I didn't think you were capable of being so nice to me, I'm touched. Ok, don't spoil a good moment. Let's just go party and have fun. No boys. Don't worry Levi's not here. And for that I'm glad. Oh whatever. Have fun, Autumn.
I hear arguing. It was Belly and Steven. She was upset and about to leave. I thought you were the dd, I say. I was but, I don't know, I don't know Deli. You really hurt Steven's feelings. He hurt mine too. But we're not talking about you. He's right and you're right you both have points. How about you go back to not talking, she yells. I wish you could go back to thinking Conrad would've never wanted you. You told him to trust you and he did, and you fucked every thing for everyone because you're a selfish bitch. But don't worry Isabel, I'll go back to not taking to you because it's very apparent you don't care about anyone except your fucking self. That's not true. Susannah wasn't yours. We as a collective whole lost her. You didn't even cry, did you even care about her? I cried, but in Levi's arms. You know why? No, I don't. Because mom's were only big enough to fit two. She had the weight of the world on her shoulders and she could only hold on for so long. Three heart broken kids in hers arms, in anyone's arms could make you go weak. So fuck you, Belly and walk away like you always do leave someone else in your dust like you always do. Everyone is an afterthought to you. She sniffles. There you go another show stopper. How is it you make every public event about you? The beach party, the 4th party, the grad party and even Susannah's funeral. Where you yelled in front of about a hundred people at her son to go to hell. There is a time and place you don't know either. Probably why you let your team and mom down. You let everyone down because you don't know better and you should. Grow up. Cordelia, Taylor yells at you. I love you and all but back the hell off. Whatever Taylor, I know I'm right and there's no other way for her to listen than to tell her. I wait outside and order an Uber.
I make it home and walk past her as I get to my room. So maybe, I could've held back a little. You think? Don't start, Belly. You could at least try to see his side. Those were his best friends, and they don't come around anymore because of you. I'm not trying to blame you but you are part of the reason it is so hard for them to come back here. It hurt me too. Yeah and that's all I ever hear from you. But you can do better. I'm sorry I didn't hide away in school work like you did. Yeah you should be, because your grades are terrible and you lost captaincy and you're losing your friends and pushing your family away over some boy. Conrad is not some boy. I didn't mean for this to turn into an argument again. I love you, belly but the choices you make are juvenile at best. We're almost 18. It hurts, I know, but it could hurt a little less if you stopped complaining about every thing and let go a little. I need to let go? Yes. Talk about a hypocrite. You barely speak to us, I mean did you even tell Steven congratulations. I did, and I made sure he knew how proud I was. He got into Princeton and was valedictorian. Of course I did, just because I'm still grieving doesn't mean I'll be a complete bitch to everyone. So now I'm a complete bitch? I never said that, I was talking about me. I don't even wanna know what you wrote me off as in your book, but just from your last two questions I know it's wrong. Good night, Isabel. Whatever, Cordelia. She slams her door closed so I slammed mine even louder.
I call Levi and he answers immediately. Except I could only hear him. It looked like I was in his pocket. I heard a girl with him giggling. I heard kissing noises too. I put myself on mute and continue to listen. What about your little girl friend, the girl says before kissing him again. Fuck, you gotta go. What? I, I'm way too drunk right now. But you got me all in the mood. Well I'm not. Woah, he says a few seconds later. Get out. But I- Get the fuck out. Screw you. She walks out and I hang up. A few seconds later he called me. Baby, I messed up. It's ok. Listen, I was drunk and this girl offered me a ride, and then she started kissing me and we made it back to my room but it didn't go any further. It's ok, baby. Are you sure? I am so sorry. Baby please believe me. I believe you, Lee. I love you, I do. I love you too, baby. Get some sleep, alright? Mhm. Ok, good night. Wait, can you stay on the phone with me? Yeah. I am so sorry, Cordelia. I believe you, I say softly. I just miss you, and I think that's why I was letting it happen. I miss you too. We should have a date night. I can't have another phone date, it's just not the same. I agree. At least we'll be prepared for this when I get to college. Yeah, but it'll be even worse knowing you're not just a few hour drive away.
