After waking up I gave him a kiss on the cheek and went home. I had only realized the gravity of the situation when Noah texted. Fuck, I say aloud. Where were you last night, Jere asks. Levi's we played a few board games. Susannah comes and kisses me on the forehead. You ready for your big day. Totally, right after I pregame and do a 3.5 rotation in a car. Not cute young lady, my mom adds. Just joking.
I get dressed and put on
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Mom says belly can drive and I begged her not to. I'll see you in a ditch, I say jokingly. Feel free to walk Cordelia, Belly says. Isabel, no I will trip you if you leave me. Steven sees belly kiss Jere and she says she chooses him and that he'll just have to trust her.
You get to the club and meet Noah before you get to the green room. You and Levi huh? It just kind of happened. So it wasn't that you weren't ready, you just didn't wanna do it with me? No at the time I wasn't ready, and then Olivia asked and I was mad at you and I really liked her. And then I spent time Levi and he told me he liked me to, and I started to like him too and I screwed up yes but please don't leave me stranded and please let's talk about it. No need, it's all good. Wait really? Yes. Oh I love you. I kiss him on the cheek and walk into the green room. Belly talks it out with Nicole and they make up. I get ready. The night was going smoothly. I was having fun and dancing and smiling. I looked pretty and I was happy. Until Jere punched Conrad and I found out Susannah's cancer returned and it was stronger than before. Not even a night swim could fix my mood. It's like it kept me up. All my life my heart ached for the moon and now it was fading and turning to dust. I hated it. Why? It was a good summer. I missed her, and she wasn't even gone yet.
Damn it, I say pacing back and forth. Damn it. Stupid belly and her boy problems. Stupid me. Stupid fucking cancer. Damn it. I hate it. Damn it. Cordelia, my mom says. Please leave me alone mommy. I know you're upset, but please come to bed. I'm not tired, please just go back inside. Can you just promise me something? Yes, what is it? That this won't be a repeat of me and your dad.
When I found out my parents were divorcing I blamed mom. It felt like she wasn't even trying to keep our family together. My dad had left one night and I had been really tired. I crashed and over slept his goodbye. My mom said he tried to wake me up but I was out of it. I felt terrible, I blamed her all over again. I needed someone to be angry and she was right there. He left her, so he had to leave us. I know my logic was way off. I was eating dinner and my mom was making small talk. She asked how our day at school had been and for me it was terrible.
My stupid gym teacher sent me to the principal's office for not dressing out. Even after I had explained to her that my cramps were astronomically bad. She still yelled at me. So I made a comment how she didn't care about my cramps because she was going through menopausal heat flashes. I got sent home and my mom yelled at me like she always does. I said fuck you straight in her face and she hit me. I wasn't shocked, even then I kind of knew that I deserved it. But I still kept yelling in her face. I could see she felt bad. So I yelled if you wanna make it up to me trade places with dad. I was always closer to mom, but that didn't mean I didn't live my dad just as much. It didn't mean I didn't want him to stay. I hate it here. I go to my room and lock the door and I pace around for a few hours. I get tired of it and I sneak out.
I was about 5 or 6 miles from home on my bike. I was peaceful riding around until I got hit by a car. I just flew onto a bush and they called my mom and I got in trouble and I apologized. You know the whole cliche I'm sorry, I should've listened to you. It was that.
I promise, mommy. But you should get some sleep too. Are you ok? Yeah, but can I go to a friend's house? Can you be back before I wake up? Pinky promise, mommy. I love you, Cordelia. I know, I love you too.
Levi's house
I knocked and Bella opens the door. Hey. Hi. You looked good tonight. Thanks, you too. Oh, come in. Thanks, is Levi home? In his room, why? I need to talk to him. About last night? No. About your family ruining the ball. No about one of my family members having cancer. I walk up to his room and knock on the door. Hey, Delia. I kiss him and say hi. I just wanted to apologize for earlier, I'm not always like that I just found out something that kind of killed my mood. Well are you ok? I could be better. You wanna play bored games like last night? How about we skip to the end of last night? You sure? Yeah, 100%. After we both finish I leave and say I have to go home. The rest of summer was all about Susannah and Belly.
When I walked in everyone was eating and they looked happy. I didn't wanna be a mood killer, I didn't wanna hurt anyone's feelings. Belly texted me about the trial. There was a still a chance it wouldn't work, that Susannah would die. They were all clinging onto hope as a last resort, and reality it had just smacked them in the face. They knew and didn't tell me, I know now and I can't do anything but see past the silver lining and see the battlefield where she was mortally injured and beating her own heart. She was getting weaker and she's putting on a brave. She lied to me. I accepted it before anyone else, Susannah was gone before her head hit the ground. And I didn't stick around and watch her fade off into nothing. I wasn't and I didn't.
I was stuck in another house full of bad memories. I was trapped between those for walls yet again. I was stuck. And the only way out was to leave and not come back, but I wanted my good memories. Why did I have to have bad ones? I've been coming here since before I could walk. I always thought of cousins as this magical place where any and everything could happened. I love it. Correction, I loved it here.
