Cote: Elite in Action

Tension and Darkness

Seconds seemed to stretch, each tick of the clock on the wall resonating like an echo in my mind. Hoshinomiya-sensei continued explaining, her soft yet steady voice filling the room, though to me it was little more than background noise. My gaze, however, was fixed on the empty seat in front of me.

Honami hadn't come today. According to what she had told Hoshinomiya-sensei, she was sick. But I knew that was just a lie. The truth was much more complicated. The pressure had gotten to her. The pressure we all carry, even if some disguise it better than others.

I don't blame her. We live in a world where the gaze of others weighs more than our own decisions, where the fear of failing in front of everyone feels like a weight crushing the chest. At her age, social pressure can be devastating. I know it because I see it constantly: classmates who laugh to fit in, who pretend to be something they are not for fear of not being accepted. I've seen it over and over, like a play where everyone plays an assigned role. And if you don't perform your role well... you're left out.

Honami is strong, stronger than most think, but even the strongest have their limits. The constant expectation on her, the looks, the whispers, the hopes of others pushing her to always be perfect... It's exhausting. Perhaps what surprises me the most is that many think that perfection is natural when, in reality, it's a mask that wears thin over time.

But for some reason, I can't fully understand that fear. That anxiety others feel, that desperate need to be seen, accepted. I've never cared much about what others think of me. It's not that I'm immune, but I simply don't understand it. Why is it so important to them? Why do they try so hard to please people who, at the end of the day, probably won't even remember their names?

It's an enigma to me. Don't get me wrong, I can see the value in pleasing others... if there's something to gain from it. If you need something, and the only way to get it is through sympathy, then yes, that makes sense. But striving just to get a smile, to be accepted for no reason other than that... I don't understand. To me, it's a waste of time. If someone doesn't directly influence my life, I don't see the need to worry about their opinion.

I suppose my way of thinking is what has kept me away from those tensions. It's as if I live in a bubble, watching from the outside how others deal with problems that, for me, are foreign. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to experience what they feel: that urgency, that desire to belong, to be part of something bigger. But I don't. I don't feel the need to be part of a group, nor to please for the sake of it. I'm fine with myself.

Yet, even so, I can't help but feel curious. What goes through the minds of others? How can they devote so much effort to something I consider so irrelevant? Every person I know seems to have a goal, a dream, a reason to move forward. Some want to stand out, others want to be loved. Some want to make their parents proud or meet others' expectations. But for me, it's the opposite.

I don't have a dream that keeps me awake at night. I don't have a goal that pushes me to move forward. To be honest, I have no idea what I want to do with my life. And although that might make me feel lonely or lost, the truth is it doesn't affect me as much as one might think. Maybe it's because I know I'm not alone. There must be thousands of people like me, without a clear compass, wandering through life without a fixed destination.

Although, if I'm honest, I know it's something unusual for someone my age. Most teenagers I know are so caught up in others' expectations, in their parents' dreams, in society's pressures... that they don't even stop to ask themselves if what they're doing is what they really want.

But me... I don't feel that pressure. Not because I'm stronger, but because I've learned to ignore it. Maybe it's an advantage, maybe it's a disadvantage. I don't know. I just know it's the only way I know how to live.