Choosing Us

Part VII: Are You Going To Be My Mistake?

I was able to mentally rejoin the class and had begun to take notes of the never ending monologue of Mrs. Jackson. When she got on a roll, there was no stopping her, except the bell. The period bell rang loudly both interrupting and surprising her. 

I still did not feel like myself and gathered my items to place them carefully in my bag. I had completely forgotten that Wyatt's class was next. The reminder served as an additional sick feeling in my stomach. Liv and I walked into my mother's classroom, and I had resigned myself to make a conscious efforts to avoid eye contact with Wyatt. I made my way to my desk, sat down, and took my notebook and pencil out in preparation for class to begin. I could feel his eyes on me, it felt like a soothing warmth trying to entice me to look up to meet his gaze, but I did not feel emotionally able to do so. My memory plagued me with visions and reminders of the kindness he previously showed, and I was afraid that if I looked at him I would crumble into an emotional mess; so, my eyes remained on my paper for the duration of the class. As we were given permission to leave by the bell, I was trying to make my way to the exit, but I heard someone say, "Tori, could I have a word with you?" I turned to scan and try to connect who had made the request, and of course, Wyatt's eyes met mine and provided a confirmation of having been the requestor. I moved to the side to allow for the other students to leave. Liv caught up to me, grabbing my arm, and asked, "you want me to stick around or head to the car?" "Car, please. I won't be long." I responded dryly. She nodded. 

I then walked over to my mother's desk and asked, "what's up?" Wyatt maintained his silence as he scanned my eyes almost searching for information. "Are you okay?" He asked with genuine interest and care. "I... I can't do this," I said doing everything in my power to subdue to the rising emotion and moving my gaze away from him. "Can't do what? Did I do something wrong?" Wyatt began asking in a confused voice moving slightly to try to reconnect with my eyes. I continued to move to decline his offer to make eye contact and replied, "no. No. You did nothing wrong. I just. I just need to worry about school and keeping things ready for my parents to come home. I shouldn't have -" I started but was interrupted by Wyatt. "You shouldn't have what? You  haven't done anything wrong." Wyatt said trying to obtain my gaze. "I've told you that I want to introduce myself, but that does not mean that we are getting married. You just turned eighteen, and I'm twenty. We are both adults, and I enjoy talking to you. Do I also think you are beautiful? Yes. Do I think that maybe if we spent time together that something could come have come of it, maybe." Wyatt retorted almost defensively and sure of himself. My mouth almost choked at the disclosure of him saying he thinks that I am beautiful. I felt a rush of fear, discomfort, and even embarrassment as no one had ever said that to me before. "Yes, we are both adults." I agreed, "but, I don't have the space or room for this. My dad is sick. It's my senior year, and this is when I should be figuring out where I am going next or what I should do with my life, and the last thing that I need to be doing in spending time on boys or dating." Wyatt's eyes seemed hurt by my response. "I'm not a boy, and I did not know that there were other 'boys' in the equation, and for the record, I am not just trying to distract you from things that would be beneficial to your future. I apologize if any of my actions made you feel that I don't want what's best for you or what would make you happy, but that was never my intention- maybe the other 'boys' maybe selfish or insecure in that way, but that's not me." My error of using plural for boys had drastically backfired among most other elements of this conversation. I knew that at this time, trying to correct my prior mistake was a lost cause; so, I shook my head and said, "I'm sorry, Wyatt. I didn't mean to hurt you. I just need to focus on my family right now." Wyatt took a moment, nodded and said, "Don't apologize. You need to do what you think is best for you. I just..." His jaw clinched and he took a moment. "I just want you to take care of yourself, not just everyone else, but yourself. I see you, Tori. I see that even over the past week and a half, you have physically changed. I doubt that you are eating, and I'm questioning whether you have been getting sleep. I just need you to know that I am here if you need me. I'm here, for you." His face had returned to display the gentleness that I had grown accustomed but yet, I still could make out the concern etched on his eyes. "Thank you, Wyatt," I said grasping onto my book bag strap tighter with the discomfort of having been seen. Someone had noticed me in my pain, and his words mirrored that of Liv's earlier concerns. Had I really lost weight? Had I really looked so different? I didn't think so, but I would pay closer attention during my next interaction with my reflection. "I should go," I added. Wyatt nodded and the began to bit his upper lip in contemplation. 

I turned and grabbed for the door. I needed to leave as the words and care that Wyatt was portraying was causing me to become dangerously close to releasing my flood gates of almost two decades of suppressed emotions. With my back still turned to Wyatt, I said, "I heard you, and I appreciate that you are concerned and care. I know where you are if I need you." I opened the door and walked out. It wasn't until I heard the click of the door from it securely shut that I felt I could breathe again. 

I walked to my car and joined Liv. I put the key in the ignition but did not turn it. Instead, I hugged my steering wheel causing my forehead to rest on the upper portion of the wheel. A noise that I was not well acquainted with left my mouth. I began sobbing uncontrollably. I felt a hand begin rubbing my back in a circular motion. "Can you move to the passenger seat?" Liv asked in a nonjudgemental tone. I pulled my head up from the steering wheel still sobbing, and I nodded. Instead of getting out of the car, I climbed over into the passenger seat while Liv made her way outside of the car to the driver's seat. "We're going home, okay?" She said in a reassuring tone. I nodded in agreement. "But, I can't go until you buckle that cute ass of yours up." She said with something unusual with her voice. I turned and looked and her eyes were also tearing up. This made me cry harder. Knowing that someone cared. Someone gave a shit about me to the point that they were emotionally moved to match me. I clicked my seat belt and away Liv drove. She held my hand for the entire car ride until we reached my house. We walked into my home and she directed to me to my bedroom where she took off my shoes and covered me up with a blanket. "I'm going to call my parents and tell them where I am and what I need them to bring, but I will be right back, okay?" I nodded, tears now familiar with their commute down my cheeks. "Come on, Charlie." Liv said as she left my room. 

As I waited on Liv to return, I considered the last time that I cried but for some reason. I could not recall. Sure, there was a time that I broke my leg in middle school, but I could not place a time when I cried for emotional pain. Liv continued to take expert care of me but all during our time together, it became apparent how foreign it was for someone to tend and care for me. We were watching yet another episode of a trash reality TV show and Liv graciously provided insightful yet harsh commentary on the contests. I finally sat up and looked at Liv. She muted the TV to allow me to have her full attention. "I have been trying to keep myself busy... but, I think, it was just waiting for me. This entire time. My emotions have been waiting." I said as if having unearthed some astounding discovery. Liv raised an eyebrow and said, "T, you have been  bottling up 18 years worth of shit, not just the last two weeks. I love your mom and dad. You know that I do, but they have never been the most nurturing parents." She said waiting for me to argue, but I did not. Liv continued, "I am so proud of you for finally letting go of your robotic ways and actually embracing your human side. It's long overdue. I love you." She lunged at me with a strong embrace, and we both cried until Liv pulled back and said, "but, we do need to find out what happens to Sheila." With a light-hearted laugh she unmuted the TV. Over the next six hours, Liv and I reflected on past experiences and how it really impacted me. I felt so heard and understood, but most importantly. I felt loved. Inevitably, Liv broached the topic of Wyatt. "So.... ummm, are you and Mr. Daniels?!" She said in a. mischievous tone. "No," I said sharply and quickly. "I... we... He's my mom's sub." Liv gave a unconvinced expression in response. "Okay, cool, and?" "Liv!" I said hastily as I playfully slapped her arm. "My life is already a fucking shit show. I can't add someone else into this, and I mean, I am so fucked up..." I tried to continue to explain, but Liv interrupted, "Do you like him?" I tried to continue my previous thought but again was interrupted by the same question, "Uh huh, but do you like him?" I pressed my lips together in frustration and my eyes became big. "Yes." I said. Liv squealed gleefully. "But, I have already told him that I can't be in a relationship, and ..." Liv interrupted again by asking, "why in the hell would you say that bullshit?" "Because my parents would be so embarrassed if I was seen with my mom's substitute!" I said finally. "Ohhhhhhh...." Liv said, "So, once again, you're letting your parents make all the decisions for you." Though her statement stung, it was still accurate as that is how I had always made my decisions. "Yes. Their opinion matters too much to me." I said. "Sure, I hear you, but does your opinion matter to them?" Liv asked and then silence poured over us. I had never considered this and sadly, I think I knew the answer was no. My eyes met with Liv's and acknowledge the truth within her statement without saying a word. "This doesn't have to get back to them. They don't have to know, but... you can't keep living your life based on what would or would not embarrass your parents. At some point, Tori, you have to stand by your own choices- even if they're dumb." Liv said with seriousness. I smiled, "even if they're dumb?" I clarified in a mocking tone. "Yes, because you are years behind on the mistake quota, and it's about time we start getting those numbers up!" I thought about Wyatt and wondered to myself "Mr. Daniels, are you going to be my mistake?"