Choosing Us

Part XV: The Words I Needed

Even in my dreams, his pale green eyes would find me and show the hurt and betrayal that I had caused when I lashed out after class. I could not find solace awake or asleep anymore. I had not gone to school yesterday because of an overwhelming migraine that I'm sure had nothing to do with the fact that I had tremendous amount of boy drama to deal with. So, today was going to be my first day seeing Wyatt again after our previous interaction on Monday. 

I was mentally preparing myself for an icy or rather non-existent interaction during second period, but as I turned into my mother's classroom, there was no Wyatt. There was only a middle-aged, frumpy and someone agitated looking woman who we all new as Mrs. Larney. "Oh, strange. The sub got a sub," Liv said half amused. We took our seats and appeared just as confused as our classmates. The bell rang, and Mrs. Larney appeared pained to stand up from her chair, but then quickly began barking ordered for students to sit down, quiet themselves, and "prepare for the learning process-" whatever that meant. I wasn't sure what emotion I felt, was it relief, was it disappointment? I had no idea, but I was happy that I was able to focus in class for once. That is, until Liv passed me a note:

"So where is professor hottie at?"

I read the note and moved my annoyed stare up to Liv. 

"IDK"

She scoffed. 

"Has he texted you?"

I wrote back "No. I don't even know what I would say if he did text me. He absolutely embarrassed me, and I'm lucky that our classmates are so oblivious to anything other than themselves... "

Liv read the note and put it in her book bag as a means of respecting my desire to end the conversation. I gave her an injured smile at her act of kindness. She returned my expression with a nod.

The class period came to an end, and Liv and I continued on to our college class. I have to admit, that while walking to and from class, my eyes were scanning the roaming students in search of a tall, muscular brunette with pale green eyes, but I didn't see him. I felt a strange sense of loneliness despite life seeming to return to normal, and honestly, I was both hoping and expecting to forget about Wyatt, but every second period class was a reminder of his absence.

Nor did it end at my high school... I continued to scan the campus that we shared and frequented the areas that I recall seeing him at, but to no avail. I had thought of calling or texting but viewed his absence as a means of communicating how he felt towards me after our last exchange. As I sat on a bench next to the pond located in the center of campus, I mindlessly shared my sandwich pinch by pinch with the ducks and geese and I contemplated what I would even say if given the opportunity to speak with him again. However, nothing came to mind. 

 Several weeks had passed and so had Thanksgiving. I ended up baking a pumpkin spice cake for the Crowe family. I was surprised at how much fun I had while I was over at Shane's house. His parents were just as lovely as I expected, and his little sister, Jenny, was so more than welcoming and demanded that I play Barbie's with her. Even though it was not spent with my family, it was still one of the best holidays that I had ever experienced. I was truly growing to admire and appreciate Shane. Though he would continue to periodically pressure us to move faster in our relationship than what I was comfortable with, I felt, overall, the relationship was better than not. 

...

As it neared Christmas time, I had stated a desire to visit my parents rather than spend another holiday with the Crowes. Thought I enjoyed my time with them as a family, I wanted to see my own. Shane's family was so kind to drive me to the airport so that I could spend Christmas with my parents in New York. Shane's father placed my luggage to be weighed by the airline and made sure I knew which terminal to go to. Shane embraced me tightly and kissed my forehead and then my lips. "Be careful, and have fun, T." He said and then looked into my eyes for a second. "I love you." Shane had not said those words to me before, nor had I said them to him. I reciprocated Shane's stare and took a deep sigh. "Don't feel like you have to say it back," he said with nervous laughter which had the opposite effect of trying to put me at ease. Luckily, his parents and sister were not within earshot, but I knew I still had to say something. "Uh... I really care about you." I said and then began the process of internally cringing and contorting with discomfort, but I could not lie to him. Shane forced a smile adorned with kind but hurt eyes. We hugged one more time, and he once again kissed my forehead. I waved goodbye to Shane's parents and sister, and I grabbed my carry on and began walking away. I turned partially to wave back at Shane who was standing still and lightly waved back. I knew that I had hurt him, but I stood by my decision to not lie to him. 

The next four hours was filled with uninterrupted contemplation about my previous decisions and experiences involving one Shane Crowe and one Wyatt Daniels. I knew that I had a good boyfriend who loved me- I mean, Shane made that very clear prior to me leaving... but there was something that I could not shake about Wyatt. I wondered where he was and what he was doing, and mostly, I wondered if he was thinking about me too. Just as I was coming to terms with never knowing the answers about Wyatt, my plane ride was over. I collected my items and went to find my parents. 

I saw my mother standing in a crowd. She appeared tired and almost frail. I tried to not display concern or give any indication that I thought she looked unhealthy. I smiled as big as I could and ran towards my mom. It had been 11 weeks since I had hugged my mom. I embraced her and immediately began crying and my mother did the same. After a prolonged and tight hug, I pulled back and wiped my mother's tears away. "I missed you so much, mom!" I beamed yet still tears fell. "I missed you too, hon!" We walked to the exit and waved down a taxi who took us back to where my parents were staying. 

Before we reached the hotel, my mom attempted to prepare me for the physical changes that my dad has undergone from the various treatment methods. I tried to make myself into steel as I heard the beep of acknowledgement from the hotel card reader. I began to turn the handle of the door. I held the door open for my mom and heard, "Guess who I found!" My mom sung aloud. I held my breathe in anticipation and walked into the room. My dad was lying in the hotel bed at an incline. My mother's warning was now appreciated as my dad hardly looked familiar. "Hey, dad!" I whispered loudly and awkwardly as I approached his bed. He raised his arms up drowsily to encourage me to hug him. I had never seen my father so thin. His skin appeared frail and his arms were bruised and scared as lingering evidence of past IV placements. I hugged him lightly to which my dad remarked, "you're not going to break me, kid. Give me a real hug." I was surprised at his request. Our family was many things: a well-respected and recognized family within the community as well as being known for our academic accomplishments and prowess, but what we were not known for was being affectionate or affirming of emotions or how you feel about one another.

I sat in a recliner next to my father, and we began watching a movie that my father would have previously referred to as "brain rot" but it elicited periodically laughs as Reese Witherspoon pursued a law degree following a breakup. It had been so long since I had seen my father and mother that it almost felt foreign to be in the hotel room with them. The movie was nearing it's end when my mom jumped up and said, "Oh! It's almost 7:00! I need to go grab dinner from the restaurant downstairs. I had previously ordered ahead so we didn't have to go out in the cold." I smiled and said, "Thank you, mom. Do you need help with picking it up?" "No, honey. I have it. You just spend time with your dad," she said smiling. She shut the door behind her. My father and I continued watching the movie and saw Reese Witherspoon have the opportunity to reunite with her original boyfriend who had previously broken up with her, but instead, she turned him down for someone who saw her for her, her talents, her intelligence, and her uniqueness. My dad grabbed my hand, and I looked over at him. I saw that he was crying. I was so surprised as I had only seen my father cry on very rare occasions such as funerals. "Hey, dad. What's wrong?" I asked gently. "I want you to be happy, kid," He said looking into my eyes. His free hand quickly swiped away the tears. "I am happy, dad," I said trying to sound as convincing as possible. "I think your mom and I have been too hard on you. It was all-" he began but I interrupted. "Dad, you don't have to -" I started. "Please," my father said, "let me get this out." I nodded. "It was supposed to be for your benefit. Get the grades, so you could go to the best schools, get the degrees, and marry the right man, but we lost sight of the most important part." He took a deep and labored breath, "We lost sight of you. We didn't give you or give you the space for you to grow into your voice. I just..." his voice trailed off cracking and holding back tears. "I just spent so much of my life trying to make my parents proud, but I was lucky because I married your mother. I might have done a lot of things FOR my parents, but everyday, I went home to a woman who had my back, supported me, loved me and challenged me. I want you to have that. I want you to have that AND MORE." He gripped my hand harder. "So if this Shane guy is that for you, great. If he isn't... drop him." I felt like I was meeting my dad for the first time. The real him. A single tear streamed down my face. "Oh, honey, come here," my dad said to me. I laid down next to him feeling like I was four years old again being held by the strongest man that ever existed. A weight seemed to leave my shoulders. After a few more minutes my mom returned with our food, and despite the fact that it was a soggy turkey club sandwich, it was still the best meal that I ever had.