Living with the Dead

Chapter 4

Chapter 4

October 31st 2014
It was Halloween my favorite holiday. If you were wondering I became better friends with Autumn and Echo.
I would frequently visit Autumn and his house next to mine, and he would visit me. We would meet up in coffee shops and talk on the bus.
Echo made new friends too. Like she became officially a hipster stereotype and hung with Pandora a lot but still talked to me and Autumn. She sometimes sat on the bus with us and other times didn't.
I always texted both of them and tried talking to Nepal but he never read or answered any of my texts or calls. It was hard to be friends with someone that went to a private school and I missed Nepal. Ever since I read that letter I had a deep hole in my life. Like something was missing until I realized it was him.
It was of school today that Autumn asked me out on a date. To take me to a wicked cool Halloween party at his friend River's house since his family wasn't home. Now I was mad at Nepal for not answering his phone and ignoring me so I accepted Autumn's gesture and decided to go to the party to get back at Nepal.
I ran home at 3:30 to get dressed and wore a normal outfit because I didn't want Autumn to think it was a serious date so didn't wanna dress up in a dorky costume or a dress so wore regular dark clothes.
He knocked on my door at 7:00 and we headed over to River's house.
It was a mess toilet paper was stringed across the house and I was taken aback.
Autumn laughed and put his arm around me. "I take you never went to a party other than a birthday party."
I slowly nodded cringing at the feeling of his arm wrapped around me. It felt weird but then I remembered Nepal and shook off the worries and guilt. Tonight was gonna great with Autumn and I was gonna meet new people.
As Autumn opened the door he immediately pulled me down in a ducking position so I wouldn't get hit with a wooden chair that was thrown across the room.
"They always have things thrown about at parties, I didn't know if you knew that but I didn't want you to get hurt."
I gave him a nervous smile and went to find a couch. It was messed up, and torn every which way. I brushed my hands over the area with crumbs and sat down.
"So Indonesia how do you like it?"
I thought for a second... I don't think 'like' is the answer. It was a teenager party filled with so much things to look at all at once.
Autumn must have knew I felt uncomfortable so he offered to fine me a drink. He came back with two wine glasses.
"It's champagne... Wanna give it a try?"
Now I knew it was under aged drinking but right now I was through a lot and didn't give a fuck. I ditched my mom and snuck out to go to a party, Nepal hates my guts, Sidney and Megan are bitches and there is more we still haven't gone through. I looked at the fizzy drink and clinked glasses with Autumn. I drank a small sip and my whole body fired up.
It was the best thing I ever drank. Holy shit forget what age you had to be to drink this stuff, it tasted amazing.
Autumn laced his fingers into my hands. I looked back and smiled and leaned on his shoulder.
The rest of the party was a blur I was officially drunk I can tell you that much.
I was taken home and checked my phone before I went to sleep. I glanced at my phone and Nepal still never texted back. Geez that was annoying.
See in life when your depressed there is a difference between non-depressed people and depressed people. Examples:
Normal teen: He didn't answer my text after 1 hour, I thought every teen was on their phone 24/7!
Depressed teen: He didn't respond I guess they don't care and I'm just not a good enough friend...
Or here's another one:
Normal teen: oooooh their pregnant that means they will have a mini version of them, and will have a great time raising their child.
Depressed teen: someone I known since I was a child and am very close to is having a baby. It will never be the same with them. I can't talk to them when I have no one to talk to or be completely honest and open to.
Nepal still didn't text back it you pretty much how I feel according to my references. I knew where he lived but something told me he wouldn't answer even if I knocked on his door.

It was November 1st and I awoke with a start. My room felt frozen and I shivered.
I took a hot shower and put on some clothes with a light coat. I headed outside and walked down to Nepal's house for some answers. I knocked on the door and his mom opened it.
"Hey Mrs.Chiaro I would love to see Nepal please."
"He's up in his room Indonesia. He's been lonely for a while I suspect a visit from a friend will cheer him up."
"I hope so." I said giving Mrs.Chiaro a reassuring look."
I headed upstairs and tiptoed down the hallway and peeped into Nepal's room. Nepal was talking to himself so if I'm gonna get any good information out of him I best listen before he realizes I'm here.
"Why does she keep texting me? It's not like it will make up for spending time with someone else and not her best friend... Who am I kidding?! She loves him and me, puff I'm just a boy in her life that will forever be friend-zoned..."
I heard Nepal and broke at the sight. Tears streamed down my face. I ran through the hallway and didn't look back. I knew Nepal was looking through the doorway at me knowing I eaves dropped but I ran quicker. I ran down the stairs two at a time and Mrs.Chiaro didn't even have a chance to tell me goodbye and why the sudden rush.
I ran down the block until I got to my house. I slammed the door shut behind me gasping for breath.
I will never understand why part of me is broken. I want to feel. I want to know I'm alive... I need a sign.
I knew I shouldn't sink to their level but part of me couldn't resist. If I didn't do it I knew worse things could happen. Besides its not like I'm drinking something poisonous, and as long as it keeps me alive I should be fine. I thought reassuring myself.

12:00 am
I decided it's now or never, I ran to my room and looked my desk drawings until I saw my craft knife. Very small yet very sharp.
And so for the first time I took the knife and grazed upon my skin. Small scratch marks lined the skin. Then I went a bit too forceful and blood dripped. My eyes held back tears as I destroyed myself. It wasn't from the pain because it was no worse than a cut from the sidewalk but I was tearing up from the reasons I was hurting myself.
I made three cuts that night. They were on my leg near my ankle so if someone questioned me I could tell them I just stepped in a bit of thorns. The thing is each cut represented something or someone for a particular reason.
The first cut was for my shitty birth mother and my adopted mother. They didn't give a damn about me and I was just another mistake in their life. #sorrynotsorry I hated that they ruined my life and me but after that first cut I finally felt something. I felt like I actually had power over something I did and I felt alive. So I did it again wanting the feeling again.
Now cut number two is for Nepal. He is my best friend in the entire world but he just doesn't understand. He won't understand my depression. Why if here were here right now he would yell at me for fucking up my life and destroying myself instead of telling me it's okay and your going to be alright as long as I'm here. I got happy after the second one for it was meant Nepal wasn't owning me either. I was making my own choices wether he liked it or not.
My third cut is for you guys. You didn't do anything wrong to me, but I want you to know I have a life to live and so do you.
Now I'm sorry if you underage kids are reading this but your mommy and daddy aren't here to lie to you anymore and hide the secrets of the real world from you anymore. People in this world cut. People in this world die. People in this world commit suicide, and murder, and kill, and so on. When you were little your parents hid everything from you. Think about it. Well they can't hide it forever so if your reading this I hope you are satisfied with life. The pain and sorrow that you can never escape. Welcome to the real world... The one I like to call: Hell.