what life has never shown

Chapter 4

Adrielle's POV

Oh shoot.

If I didn't go check my phone, I would've lost track of time. It's almost 1 am but again, no brunette showed up under this dull lamppost.

Have I gone nuts? Why am I even still hoping to bump into her? Am I seriously craving for another conversation with her? Is my heart aching for another conversation, a human conversation I suppose?

"I'm sober...am I?"

Why am I always confused with two things? Always stumbling, getting crumpled over two things? Why can't I just be sure of one thing. Just one thing. Whether it's a feeling, a thought or judgment, just one without hesitation.

The only certain answer I could give my sober self right now is I wanna die.

I wanted to. But then that girl might stop and wait under the dull streetlight, even when she's not feeling safe at all. And for once—I want to stand next to her.

When she thanked me...and told me I made her feel safe. It's as if, I've done something good in life.

"Adrielle?"

My eyes shifted at whoever called my name—it's none other than Celeste.

"Where have you been? Are you heading back to the bar?" she asked and cupped my shoulder, making me flinch.

I let out a heavy sight with my eyes looking down the concrete sidewalk, "I got out to breathe some fresh air. Didn't know you were there." I stated, gaze still locked on my way. I don't know why can't I move my feet forward. I'm probably afraid to be rude to her, considering that Celeste and I shared a bond together.

"Are you mad at me?" Celeste asked which made me lift up my dunking face. I looked at her and quickly looks away, eyes straight to the cabs in front of the bar.

"I'm not." I answered and attempted to move my feet forward but Celeste's hand reaches to cup the side of my neck.

Her hand feels cold. I wanna hold it  and...and remove it on my own.

Her thumb is rubbing on its place, making sure I'd feel her hand on my skin, "do you seriously hate me for forbidding you to date my daughter?" I bit my lower lip to ease up the tense I'm feeling. No.

The daughter she's talking about is the same girl Harper mentioned last time. Yvan. Yvan is the daughter she's referring to. I don't hate her. I just hate awkward surroundings. Therefore, I hate having to interact with her again and again.

"Wouldn't you feel a single shame, anyway?" Celeste removed her hand on my neck, leaving the spot feeling so warm. "If I were you, I'd feel ashamed if I dare date my sugar mommy's daughter, right?" a lump formed on my throat because of what she'd said. She's right after all, but how do I tell her I don't hate her because of that?

"I don't hate you, I'm not holding grudges. I just feel awkward around you." I said, feeling my chest that's about to burst in nervousness.

Celeste gives me a disdainful look, "you feel awkward around me because you got a taste of someone young, someone so young like my daughter?" she scoffed.

I lightly shakes my head to disagree, "it's not like that, okay? Yvan and I got along, Celeste, nothing deeper than that."

"Nothing deeper huh..." her tone lowered down, "but then my daughter sat with me, told me she loved it when 'mommy and uncle Tan's' young friend kissed her on her lips. How it felt so good. Telling me all that with kicking feet." she stated which shaken my eyes. "I didn't know what to feel, you know? Whether I'd be happy for her or what? How can I hate my daughter? How can I be a jealous mother? So, I told her, I don't want her to date the same gender instead."

Celeste's arms hovered on mine. My heart stopped beating for a moment, only feeling her breath next to my shoulder. "Oh, Elle...the person that you are, hooking up a mother and a daughter. How can I hate you for that? I hate you more for creating a distance between us." she stated with her cheek leaning on to my shoulder, "I'm just a drunk 38 year old woman, missing her 20 year old baby...I know you need someone your age, but I provide you with all your wants, that should be enough, right?" again and again. I'm stuck staring at nothing. Thinking and remembering how I've gotten myself into this kind of mess.

How can I live a normal life? How do I want to live my life, really?

"Celeste, it's over." I mumbled. Her hold tightened on my arms. It feels cold.

"Are you disgusted? Are you gonna keep seeing Yvan? What do you want, Elle?"

What do I want?

What is it that I really want?

"Nothing, okay? I just don't wanna keep going." I said before removing her hold on my arms, "don't worry, I won't hook up with Yvan. It's been a week since we last talked." I turned away from the side of the bar, now, looking at the dull streetlight again.

"If that's what you want, hit me up if you need something to gain again." Celeste said which strikes to my head.

Do I only need someone for my own gain? Am I fulfilled right now that's why I don't need any of them at all? What do I need this time?

I feel terrible.

Suddenly, the road seems darker again. My steps began to feel way heavier. My world is turning upsidedown. Again, I am confused to what I feel. What am I?

What kind of person am I?

There's a waiting shed near the hospital. I wonder why that girl didn't just stay there to wait instead of standing in a dark road, under the dull light.

"What a night..." I mumbled to myself as I made my way in the waiting shed, trying to see if I can get a comfortable seat in here.

I'm only 20 yet I feel so tired already. Life makes me not want to strive and thrive to live at all. Looking back to everything and where life brought me to now— is just making me so sick.

The finest reason I could give myself as to why I am waiting under that dull light for straight nights is probably because, the conversation I had with that girl is out of my world. It is out from blinking and blinding lights, from the smell of smoke and alcohol, free from preying and judging eyes.

For once in a while, it felt like a casual human interaction. Different and new to me.

She just looks so clean...her voice sounds so gentle. I didn't have to start a dirty conversation. Her hand didn't touch mine.

She's a got a sugar daddy, I remember. Probably straight as fuck.

STAY TUNED FOR THE NEXT CHAPTER