Beside

56 - hush

"Fox, I found a book! It's about stars. Did you know they're born and die just like us? They shine the brightest right before they go. I want to be like that."

"Jellybean, you're not going to die."

"We all die, Fox."

"No."

"Yes we do. Here, read the—"

"No. You are not dying. Stop it."

ᖴO᙭

The rain is steady, soft streaks on the windshield, blurring the world outside into streaks of gray and green. It's gentle enough to stay unnoticed, which I'm glad for. I want her to rest.

Chris is asleep beside me, breathing slow, head lolled toward the window. Her eyelashes are dark against her cheeks, her lips slightly parted. The rise and fall of her chest matches the rhythm of the summer wind. She's peaceful. It would be an offence to disturb her, even though we're supposed to be somewhere.

I parked outside the Arts building, but the philosophy lecture started four minutes ago.

The tension from this morning's run with Cam lingers. We were out on the streets before sunrise. She kept her pace fast, pushing forward without looking back. All she said at the first stoplight was, "Chris told me about your secret sex deal. I don't wanna know anything else. Be careful, don't miss training." And that was that.

I pull off my hoodie and drape it over Chris. The soft fabric covers her shoulders and falls into her lap. She doesn't stir. Just a faint shift and a sigh as she nestles into the seat. I angle the vents toward her, adjusting the heat.

I feel like a thief, like I've stolen a moment to see her that doesn't belong to me. I wonder if she's dreaming, and if she is, whether it's a good one. It better be.

"I spent $700 to break my own heart," I murmur. My voice is barely audible over the rain. "Nothing went as planned."

Of course, she doesn't respond—I don't know why I thought she would.

"Maybe you would've thought it was over the top." A smile tugs at my lips, faint but real. The urge to touch her, to trace a line down her cheek or brush a strand of hair back, is nearly too strong to resist. Torturously so. "Maybe you would have said I was being dramatic. Maybe I've lost my nerve."

The rain picks up, pattering harder, and I adjust the defrost, watching as the glass clears. Not that I'm going anywhere. All I need to see is her.

ｃｈｒｉｓ

There's warmth everywhere, the cocooned smell of Fox that settles around me. I blink, focusing on the blurred lines of rain on the windshield. I don't know where I am, but I feel... nice.

"Hey, darling."

Fox is beside me, watching me with a look that's both tender and amused.

"Did I fall asleep?" I murmur. He nods, and there's that barely-there smile of his. I glance out the window, my heart sinking. "Did we miss the class?"

"We did. But there's a psych symposium for middle schoolers starting in ten. Not exactly a lecture, but we could check it out if you want."

I don't answer right away, letting myself drift back into his hoodie. It smells like him, equal parts smoke and sun. And I just want a minute more of it. One more moment to soak it in, to breathe him in as deeply as I dare.