The Happiness Managers

ASS | 6

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I know what are thinking of me. I am an ASS. That's a given but yes. I have been acting like a jerk but that's only because we can never work together.

The more I get to know her, the more I feel we are so different. She goes out on dates regularly, she is this small butterfly in winter wonderland spotted on different flowers all the time, and basically, I have come to depend on her.

When she said it, everything became blurry and clear simultaneously. I was in a fog. I looked at myself in the mirror that night and saw the old Abhi was gone. The old Abhi who was so strong and confident and now- he needed a person to cheer him up? He needed a person to make him smile. He smiled plenty enough thank you very much.

I was different. Very different. 

Oh god, I was so love-stricken in the last days. That's not me at all!
See I am an eccentric person, I like to do psychologically shocking things and stay out of this dimension from time to time. And I did travel into something called the Love dimension for a while.
And it was straining.

I used to believe love weakens you. Love is like a string. It may hold you, or slit you in the hands because you depended too much on those strings. Only held on by those strings, with you falling deeper and deeper, they will only leave scars.

It will make you, so, so desperate.

So needy.

I needed her for ideas. I needed for my mornings. I needed her for lunch breaks. And I needed her whenever I was idle. I saw my gallery in my phone and I saw, the whole month had been filled with photos of her.

And I was going nearer by the days.

Khushi is a drug for me. Which I simply cannot afford to intoxicate myself on. I don't intend to. And it's my wish.

I couldn't help myself fall in. I stated my feelings clearly. But this time,I cannot bring myself out to do that because if I do, she will only to grab me more and it will become even more difficult.

It's better this way. But I don't tell her, I will strangle myself to death. The cones of being a straightforward person.

I should tell her clearly. I should tell her everything clearly.

Here we go. Here it all goes. It hurts. It hurts so bad I just wanna go there and hug her and just-

I wanna make those reluctant daydreams true that I saw when thinking about her. The reluctant thought chain of her in a red bridal gown and her smile glimmering through the holy fire while we take the pheras. It's so damn cheesy but this human thing that is inside me? Well it wants that very very badly.

She is standing there. And just being, herself.

In a hazel kurti, with a loose white suitpant, with clicking and chhinchhining mojris of hers, and a missing smile.

Stupid me is to be blamed for that.

Heart: But man, aren't you gonna give her a chance to make her decision? Maybe she wants to have something serious with you. All those dates were just entertainments maybe, and she is willing to see a future with you like you did. Aren't you gonna give yourself a chance to have all that?

Oh stop it. I know this is a part of the whole shenanigan of the heart vs Brain. I listen to no one.

Well technically that's the brain saying but alright. I side with the rational side of me. The rational me was happier and stronger. He was independent.

He was freakin lonely and depressed. Admit it.

Yes but he was satisfied. He didn't have the hunger for more. First marriage, then a kid and then that whole extra bonanza for the rest of the life. Not willing to take up all that. I am satiated with my life and only fending for myself.