Agents of SHIELD one shots

Fitzsimmons

An AU where Jemma dies in FZZT (tw: mentions of suicide and suicidal thoughts)

FITZ
Jemma. Jemma. Jemma. Her name haunted his mind. Her laugh echoed through his head, her bright brown eyes glowing with laughter or squinting at the edges when she was in deep thought. Her voice filling his ears even though she wanst there, her British accent and the way she pronounced his name and the way she spoke passionately about science. Her clothes were scattered around the room, as if she was to walk in any minute and pick up, swearing that next time she wouldn't let her bunk get this messy. Jemma. Jemma. Jemma.

Falling. Falling. Falling. The wind, blowing through her hair, her pale skin and sad eyes, so contrast of her usual bright glow. And Fitz. Standing there. Watching. He replays the moment in his head a thousand different ways, each time knowing he could have saved her. He replays the moment his usually precise hands fumbled and shook, trying to pry open a locked door and his brain clouded over, his worst fears playing out before his eyes, his best friend, the love of his life falling. Falling. Falling.

He wondered if her death was painful he wondered if she regretted it after she fell he wondered what her last thoughts were he wondered if she wished she had said goodbye to her parents first he wondered. Wondered. Wondered.

He picked up a knife pushing it slowly into his wrist because he deserves this. He should have saved her. He could have saved her. He had the cure in his hand if only he yelled louder he might have  opened the door if only he had tried harder if only he had said a proper goodbye if only he told her he loved her. If only. If only . If only. 

Blood was now pouring down his wrist when Skye walked in and he could see it in her eyes. The pity. But also the blame. Underneath the pity and grief there was blame. For him. And he deserves it. He deserves it. He deserves it.

Skye took the knife out of his hand and replaced with her own hand.Sitting in silence. There was nothing to say. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. 

He couldn't think straight without Jemma without her calming presence without her hand on his shoulder unknowingly to her, making his heart beat so much faster. His heart beat fast around her. Now he didn't want it to beat. Not without her. Not without her.

He had already cried himself sick every single day since she fell and he had heard Skye crying too, through their shared wall. Ward left, abandoning their family. He was a coward. Unable to face grief.

He kept waiting for her, waiting for her to walk in waiting for her to critic his work in the lab waiting for her to rush through the door excited about new research waiting for her to.... To anything. But she doesn't because she's gone.
He has to keep reminding himself. That she is gone. That she is at the bottom of the ocean. That she will never know that he loved her. That she will never know that she was his everything. But now she is gone and he wants to be too.

AN: hey guysss this absolutely SUCKS but it's okay cause I wrote at 2:30 in the morning a couple months back and just found it in my drafts and decided to start a little one shot collection when I don't feel like writing over about 600 words.

They will get better I swear
-maggie