your reflection

8 November, 2022

8 November, 2022

The date when you tragically died. I was in shock, I didn't believe that you were gone, that I could never hear your laugh again, that I could never see your beautiful smile again. I grieved. I broke down whenever I watched your favorite movie, remembering how you would so passionately talk about it. I couldn't listen to your favorite song anymore without remembering you, how you would dance whenever the song played. I hid my grief to not worry my other friends, and they believed me. I continued to act like nothing was wrong, like my heart wasn't crushed completily. When I came back home from school, I was shattered completely. Holding backmy tears the entire day, laughing and smiling like I didn't lose the meaning of my life. I put my bag into my room and grabbed a towel to go shower. I entered the bathroom and stood in front of the mirror for a while. I didn't see my own reflection, I saw yours. I saw your bright blue eyes, your shiny blonde hair and that contagious smile. I teared up and smiled at the reflection, feeling a sense of comfort before being braught back to reality. You were dead. My mind is playing tricks on me. I sighed and showered, that sense of guilt and emptiness coming back.

8 April, 2023

Your death was 6 months ago. I felt a bit better, my happiness slowly returning to me as I saw the joy in the small things again. I could listen to your favorite songs without crying my heart out but remembering the good moments we had togheter. But no matter how hard I tried to push it away, that empty feeling in my heart won't fade. I still miss you dearly, I had no one to tell about my day, about my feelings or just simply gossip with. I came to accept my grief. Although it wasn't easy. I visited your grave with your favorite flowers, orchids. You loved orchids so much, your entire room was full with them. I put them next to your headstone and admired your picture for a while. The picture was taken when you won your first tennis competition, you were overjoyed. I teared up and smiled as I remembered the moment and tried to hold my tears back before I felt a tap on my shoulder. I turned around, expecting it to be Hayden. My former best friend, I despised him, but I knew he would be here because he was your best friend aswell. But to my suprise, I saw you. My breath hitched as I pinched myself, trying to figure out if I was imagining it or not. ''Why are you crying?'' You asked. I looked down and shook my head, knowing my mind was playing tricks on me. ''What's wrong? Talk to me.'' You said. I didn't answer. You kept repeating it for a while until I covered my ears to make it stop. I looked up after a few minutes, regretting that I drowned your voice out, I missed the sound. Your joyous voice. I sat down next to your headstone and cried. God I missed you so much.

3 October, 2023

Jona died, another close friend of mine. He killed himself. I wondered why I didn't notice the signs. He always seemed so happy, what did I miss? I dreaded the thought of another one of my friends dying. I didn't grieve well when you died, and I still don't. I came to school that day pretending like nothing was wrong, I followed all the lessons feeling that aching sense in my heart, like it was itching and I hated that. I wondered why so many of my friends are dead, it felt unfair. I didn't go straight home after school, I went to a nearby forest and walked there for a while. Enjoying the silence and the rustling of the leafs as tears streamed down my face. The memories of Jona, Hidde and you played in my head. What did I do to deserve this? It's selfish to think that way, isn't it? It's better to suck it up, let no one know what I'm going through.

7 November, 2023

It's been a year since you passed. The date brought back so many feelings. Guilt, anger, regret and sadness. I went to the graveyard togheter with our friends and your family. We put some flowers down and played your favorite songs. I had to see Hayden again, which triggered me. Seeing the bastard smiling like he isn't the worst person alive. I didn't let those feelings of hatred get to me and enjoyed the pure moment. When I came back home, I felt guilty. Guilty for smiling and laughing while she couldn't. Guilty for living. And I heard your voice again, telling me it will be okay and that I should remember the good times instead of the bad times. I didn't attempt to drown your voice out and let it comfort me instead. I felt schizophrenic, but it comforted me so much.

2 September, 2024

It was all a while ago now. Dealing with your death and Jona's death. I felt better, happier. I made new friends, friends I could trust. My life got off that rocky road and went on a smooth road instead. Life was going the right way. Untill this date, something snapped in me and to this day I don't know what. But I felt this crippling anxiety about everything, and no matter where I looked, I saw your face. Greeting me and waving at me like nothing was wrong. I was afraid to fall back into that hole again. To feel that emptiness and ache inside my heart. I didn't tell anyone about it but my anxiety severly affected me, mentally and physically. All the grief came back to me like a wave. Everything that reminded me of you, broke me. I brushed it off and told people it was just a stomach bug, and they believed it, luckily. I didn't even tell my friends, they believed I was fine. That was all that mattered to me, they didn't know the truth. 

Till this day, I miss you so much. My heart isn't just broken, it's shattered to pieces I can never find again. You were my joy, my reason to live, my best friend. It might sound a little dramatic because we were both 12 when you died, but I don't go a day without thinking of you, wishing you were here. I miss you, Coco.

Lost to time, but forever etched in my soul <3

Coco

2010-2022

Hidde

2009-2022

Jona

2009-2023

I miss you.