BE ON CLOUD Masterpieces~A Snippet Collection

BOC Snippet 07-Dead Friends Forever-Heart Broken

BOC Snippet

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Heart Broekn

Jin's POV

When I fall in love, I tend to fall hard. I realize that since my first boyfriend. The boy I gave my virginity too. That was ages ago. I don't even remember his name and the experience wasn't that good but that's a story for another day.

I don't know why I agreed to come with the gang for the stupid reshoot project. And now I am stuck at this holiday villa deep into the mountains and in the middle of nowhere. To make it worse, he has to be here too. 

Phee. 

It still irks me to see him hanging around with that Tan and the shoot this evening, he has to go flirt with Top's boy. I have to admit I am jealous of that boy, White. At least he has Tee who goes all the way to date him openly. All I got from sleeping with Phee the past months was "we are friends". Duh, of course. He sleeps with me but he is in love with Tan. Even though he denies it, at the very least I know when a man I loves doesn't love me. 

Like Non. 

With Non at least, I knew he never had feelings for me. It was I who desired him all the while. Non came to my life right after I was dumped by my first boyfriend. I didn't share this with Non or anything. He was someone really awkward and between us, it was usually me who initiated any communications. But Non relied on me. 

He saw me as a friend and I think I did too. I just don't agree how the whole class gang up on him sometimes. It was just so childish. I don't understand why people has to be mean that way. But I couldn't be that obvious even when I was friends with him. Kids, even in high school could be so cruel when it comes to bullying. I tried to save him from situations and the best I did was to pull him into my own gang. Yes, the bullying still goes on but at the very least, it was by smaller group of people. Por was the richest kid in the school and his dad was someone important in the school so no one touches him but that doesn't mean he is less of a bully. The only saving grace was, well, no one touches Por's peeps, including the nerd. Actually if he doesn't have those two idiots Top and Tee instigating him, Por probably wouldn't even be bothered to look at Non. Alas. 

But no matter how ass of a bully these guys are, the one who did Non dirty in the end was me. 

I was the reason why he was missing till this day. Non never knew. He never had the chance the moment I clicked post on that clip. If I can go back in time, I will just be honest, I will probably do the exact same thing. 

When I saw Non in that position, in that situation with our tutor was the last straw for me. To be fair, Non doesn't deserve all this. He never knew my feelings. I never told him. I just hoped he would notice. I was just mad and jealous that he could do what he did with the tutor and not with me. I was mad and jealous that he chose someone else and not me. It was all jealousy. 

The video I took that moment was out of blinded rage and I also uploaded that clip in a semi rage and drunk state. I wouldn't make excuses for my own asshole behavior. I know I deserve a stop in hell. 

Deep in my heart, I wished after the the clip leaked, he would come to me. Confide in me. Need me. Want me. I would be there for him. But none of that happened. I never saw him again. Rumors got around. That he ran away with tutor Keng, to escape all this embarrassment. Tee swore he knew someone who saw tutor Keng and Non running away in a bus somewhere. 

I tried calling him but true enough, his line was dead. He never answered my messages ever again. I can only pray that he was safe and maybe a little happy somewhere else. As days tick by, my guilt started weighing on me. My desire to apologize to Non got stronger and it seem like a dream now if apologizing to Non will ever happen in this life time. 

I was depressed weeks after Non was gone. No one could tell where Non disappeared to. We just had to accept the fact that he was gone. Even when the police came to interrogate us, well, Por made all of us to collaborate our story. We never mentioned that we were close or in gang. We merely told the police or anyone asking about Non that he only wrote our script and that was that. We don't know about any gambling related crimes whatever. It's partially true we didn't know. It was also partially untrue that we didn't know. I knew Non was in trouble with Por for breaking his expensive camera but I couldn't help him. So Non must have done something for money. Maybe it was a blessing in disguise. Yeah, I know am behaving like a total asshole.

Phee joined my class the semester after Non disappeared, with that Tan. I was smitten by his looks from the beginning. We flirted a lot. I know immediately he was into boys from the way he smiled and his skin-ship on me. He told me he joined the school halfway because of his dad's work, whatever. I want this person. Fickle, I know. Non wasn't even gone that long and now here I am, flirting with another person. I was that lonely I guess. 

We turn physical in record time. Maybe in a week. It was great. Phee knew what he was doing. I felt good. He felt good, it felt good. Everything felt good. We can't stand. We were going at it more than bunnies maybe. Thank goodness my parents are rarely at home so him staying over and we having sex all over the house was a no problem. My parents? I don't want to talk about them. It's enough to know that they do enough to provide me with anything but attention. I guess that's a reason why I need constant validation or attention. Phee gives them all to me. 

Until he doesn't. 

It was my fault. 

I shouldn't have asked the question. I had a gut feeling asking me not to but I did anyway. I asked what were we. And you know the answer to that. 

Friends. 

I don't know how to describe that sensation to you but I felt a sting in my heart area like something was smashed into infinite pieces and felt blood left my body cold. Some said that was how broken heart felt. I don't know. I mean, I felt something similar when my first boyfriend dumped me the second day after we slept together. I felt that again when I caught Non having sex with tutor Keng in the office. And then now. 

I didn't know how to face Phee after his answer so I did what I knew best. I ghosted him for a while. One thing about Phee, he was one of the most persistent person I have ever met. He came to find me at my house every day, begging to see me and to explain. 

If this was someone who loves me and was chasing after me, I would have given in right away but I guess I cried enough for this person. Yeah, I did spend my time ghosting him, crying over him. For what, I don't know. I loved him I guess. I mean, I really did. 

It was long that he finally convinced me to listen to his twisted idea. I don't know why I did it  but I went along with him. Heard of friends with benefits? Yeah, I became that with him. Stupid I know but beyond that I don't really care anymore. Maybe if I can't have this person's heart, I can still have his body? I mean, after all, sex with him was great so that's that. 

I never brought up the topic of relationship ever again. It was just sex between us. I even started having sex with other people, mostly random people I found on this app we mainly teenagers use. I know, dating apps for teenagers? You better believe it. 

But it's all okay. All I want now is physical pleasure. It can be with Phee or anyone else. It doesn't matter. 

I don't need anyone's heart anymore. 

Since, no one seems to want mine either. 

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