How To Disappear Without Being Noticed

ONE

ASHTON

he looks at him, watching. he notices the dull shimmer, one that he's never seen change though he can imagine it would have been bright once, in his lovely grey-blue-hazel eyes. his smile never quite reaches them. he can tell his laughter is not what it seems, an act maybe, with the way it's just this side of exaggerated, the way his face changes almost immediately and unnoticeably when he thinks no ones looking. 

there are scars too. he knows there are more than what are visible to him, he pats his side more than necessary, but the few he spots on his arms pain him more than he thought anything ever would. this boy means the world to him, even if he doesn't know it yet, and seeing him so in pain makes it so much harder to not rush over and hug him until his ribs hurt. he doesn't know if he ever got hugs, but he's overheard him say he wants something more, that when his parents hug him it fells weird in a way he can't explain. 

he'd hug him until his heart stopped if he had the chance, but he's still trying to figure out if he needs to let go of the people he considers friends. that will come with time, and when it does, he'll love him until his heart stops. 

THEO

he's tried. dammit, he's tired. but really what he needs is support, sleep wouldn't change a thing - he'd still wake up. he wants and wants and wants for him but he knows that there is nothing there for him except pain. he would never want him back. never. he has friends who would judge him for it and even more so he has people interested in him who are so much better than he is. he's not popular or smart or talented like him and the people he hangs around. no. he's sad and a failure and so difficult to handle that he can't even handle himself sometimes.  

he doesn't want him to see him so vulnerable, but at the same time he wants to bare himself to him, keeping nothing hidden, just to see if he'd want him, all of him. but then again that's assuming he'd want him in the first place (he wouldn't there are people much better than him). 

he wants it all to end. he wants to fall asleep and never wake up. he wishes he were someone he liked, he wishes he were more like him. he just wants to be happy, but he's come to accept that he'll suffer silently until he finds the words to say he's hurting. 

Author's Notes - okay so the format is kind weird, but i have more parts to this so...should i post them?? anyway hope you enjoyed this or something. is it obvious i have no idea what i'm doing lmao