How To Disappear Without Being Noticed

TWO

ASHTON

why can't he see that he's loved? why can't he see the way he stares, adoration clear in his gaze? and, oh doesn't it hurt him that the boy he loves can't see how much he adores him. he longs to comfort him, to hold him until it all stops hurting but he can't. not yet. 

he has to wait until he's sure of his friends reactions, until he knows it's safe to be himself. he knows waiting will only hurt him more, it'll let him suffer longer, but he values his friends. it would be freeing letting them see him as himself and not some half-assed mask he puts on everyday. 

he knows if it were just him he'd be able to be himself truly and genuinely, he'd be able to talk freely without being judged or mocked or ignored. but...could he enjoy that without having his friends too? well, he could learn move past it, and he knows that he has people who would welcome him. 

it's almost unbearable how much he wants this, wants him. but he can't yet; his own happiness and safety is crucial if they are to work. he loves him, but he needs support of his own too sometimes. 

THEO

he feels so alone. both of his best friends left him for other schools and his other friends don't want him. he can't go on like this. one more thing and he might just tip over the edge. it's a close thing everyday, with the heavy weight of depression and the constant buzz of anxiety, he finds he has to keep reeling himself back. the only thing stopping it from happening is him. 

his smiles make his heart speed up and when he talks to him he thinks his cheeks betray just how much he adores him. of course, he knows it's a bad habit, that it shouldn't be this addicting but he can't stop. he makes the want to go less intense. the colour of his bright eyes reminds him of the greenish-blues of the ocean and his smile, gods, that smile. it can light even the darkest of places - even his mind. all the loud voices in his head quiet down when he talks, his voice low and soothing; he thinks he could listen to it forever. 

but he isn't here now. he can't reel him back from the edge. he knows, he knows, he'll despise him for destroying his body the way he is. he'd think it weird and disgusting and gross. he can't help it - like him it's addicting. once he starts he can't stop and no one is there even if he wants, needs, them to be. he has no one to turn to. 

he steps off the edge.

Authors Notes - so, how do we like part two?? i think i have around two more parts of the diary kind of style and then i have something from the perspective of one of their teachers (who definitely isn't based on one of my teachers). i'd love to know what you think ig :]