6 | Conviction

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Yuzuru had no plan

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Yuzuru had no plan. After the serious conversation with his mother, he felt even more empty, desperate and lonely than ever.

What had he really done wrong?

He just wanted to please everyone: his fans, his family, the sponsors, TV stations and the people who were suffering from the consequences of the earthquakes. His own ambition to keep getting better and better and to keep increasing the technical difficulties suddenly seemed completely crazy and self-destructive. Where was this going to lead?
God, he was 31 and had the feeling that his body was already no longer obeying him in the way he had been used to over the years.

He decided to take his mind off it all and just gamble. Gaming was always a help for him when everything became too much. Entering the fantasy world of a game and losing himself in it was his way of escaping his own spiral of thoughts sometimes. He was lounging on his couch in the living room, about to fire up the console, when his cell phone rang: his mother.

"Okāsan...?"
"How are you today?" Yumi asked her son right at the beginning.
"Ok," Yuzuru replied and sighed.
"Okay is okay, but not on top, right? You sound like you just got out of bed!"
"Yaaaah... kind of, in a way." Yuzuru looked at his watch... crap, it's just after 3 pm again...

"Do you want me to come over? Do you have everything you need?" Yumi sounded lovingly worried. She would love to help her baby and only had a five-minute walk to Yuzuru's house - that had been important to him when he bought it. Being close to family was always a support for him, and that was proving to be the case again right now.
"No, it's fine, I can manage and you've bought more than enough for me. It's all there."
"All you have to do is call and I'll be right with you, okay?"

Yumi was worried, but she didn't want to make things worse with her worries. Her son sounded so different from what she was used to hearing from him. She decided to switch to the actual subject of her call.
"I wanted to tell you that I will soon be interviewing potential domestic help for you. There are five candidates that I have selected and consider suitable."

"Ok....," Yuzuru didn't sound very enthusiastic, but why should he be? He was supposed to have someone permanently in his house, and he didn't want that at all. But, he probably had no choice but to go along with his mother's plan.

"Please, don't be afraid, Yuzu! You know I would never put someone in your house if I wasn't absolutely convinced it would be right for you, you know?"

"I know, Okāsan. But I...," Yuzuru hesitated.
"Yes?"
"I... ah, I'm just scared. Scared that it will stress me out, scared that the person will annoy me and everything will just get worse! I'm not myself right now and I have no idea what my reactions to this situation will be." Yuzuru sounded more desperate than ever.
Yumi listened attentively to her son. After a short pause, she answered him.

"You know I love you, Yuzuru... I would do anything for you to help you in your situation. And right now, I feel like I can't manage to support you the way you need it either. Maybe it's time to try other ways. That's the only reason I had the idea of putting someone from the outside by your side who would simply be there. Someone who isn't involved in your life and might be too judgmental."

"But, I feel like everyone really thinks they know me and have a ready-made opinion of me. And right now, I'm a shadow of myself! It's so frustrating and scary... I can't fulfill this image that the world has of me right now. When someone comes to me thinking I'm the strong-willed powerhouse I've always been on the outside and then sees this pile of misery that's left of me? What do you think that does to me?"

Yuzuru had talked himself into a rage. Yumi sensed his anger. Anger that he was no longer functioning as he was used to. She knew she had to be very careful now to get him back on board.

"I'm grateful to you for showing me your feelings so clearly. A lot of things are clearer to me now. Nevertheless, I'm sticking to implementing this plan and will have the interviews. We'll try afterwards and we can always pull the ripcord if it's no longer possible for you. And of course, a confidentiality agreement will be signed, I'll mention it so that you know I'm not leaving anything to chance - nothing will get out without serious consequences for the guilty party!... So are you okay with that?" Yumi said briefly and clearly, and hoped...

After a short pause, Yuzuru muttered: "Agreed! What else can I do? You won't let up after all!"

Yumi was relieved, although the situation was more than serious.
"Good! One step at a time, ok?"
"Yes, Okāsan..."


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