Journal<3

Thank you.

TW

If your concerned, I get it but I know I'll get clean again, I just need to learn to live myself better, which will be hard, but I know I will eventually <3 (I say this again later)

Just want to say thank you to the people who interact with me and are kind, I am so happy people actually like me. Tbh I thought I wasn't gonna have friends my eighth grade year, but people I didn't know and people I were past really good friends with helped me not feel so lonely, well friend wise,. I feel as I shouldn't be allowed to say anything that I feel bc I'm invalid and insecure. I don't  really matter to society, so why would I need to vent? Or say how I feel, because it makes everyone feel worse and make them upset.. a constant thing I think about it ripping the skin of my body, I hate my body, I don't like how I look, no matter how many compliments I get I still feel like something that's out of place.

I am about fourteen hours clean today. The night previous my friend was trying to not relapse and I sent them a video of showing a resource that we have on an app we share, and then went to my notes and said ' if you have letters to write, you have a reason to be here💫💚🫂' and I didn't get a response for hours, and I spiraled and thought I made it worse, so I gave myself constructive criticism.. as I call it. It hurts, but I'm not gonna say anything to anyone I know irl because it doesn't matter. My friend updated me about an hour after I brought my phone down and I didn't see it until the morning.. I feel guilty and horrible which is also why I'm prob gonna keep it to myself. My friend didn't do it(as far as I could see) but I did it bc I thought it was my fault that they most likely did..

If your concerned, I get it but I know I'll get clean again, I just need to learn to live myself better, which will be hard, but I know I will eventually <3

My friend noticed that I've been acting off  land I basically said idk and it doesn't matter atall bc she doesn't need to worry, the reason I was out of it was bc at lunch today they were talking abt how their proud of how long they haven't relapsed in. And I then almost had a panic attack but I had to mask it. I can't have anyone know what I feel or what goes on in my head. Most only know the surface level of my life, some know abt some of my past experiences and what goes on at home, but not how I wanna rip off my skin so I'm not   Me      .

I love you all, I'm always open arms for comfort <3
M.