Escapism.

Chapter Five - Panic

TW!: This chapter has mention of panic attacks and rumination (thought of feeling deeply of something.) If you or uncomfortable with this topic, please skip this chapter.

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After atleast an hour of sleeping, I woke up, knowing where I was.

I was with Iris. Sleeping underneath her head by her neck.

I suddenly felt as if maybe I was...safe, trusted, or found with her.

Or I am just too tired. I might get water downstairs.

As I attempted to get up and walk downstairs, I noticed that she was hugging me, usually I hate people hugging me. But I felt as if I needed it, like it was, normal.

That whole hour before I woke up, I slept with my hands close together, not joined with hers, but maybe, just maybe, for 15 minutes, I would sleep holding her, hugging her. I think I might like Iris in a way. I think I'm attracted to her. But I can't sleep now, I'm awake again. Just thinking of the thought of liking Iris, does she like me? Does she feel we are just friends, Is she holding me because she likes me? Is it on purpose? Is it just a joke?

I can't stop overthinking, the rumination of it is just the thought of it. But I'm still hugging her, my head underneath her head, so close to her, while she is sleeping, she's smiling while she sleeps. I can't help but also think of the possibilities of us being...

together. Would she still call me El? What would I call her? Would we date? I don't even know if I'm gay or not. How do I even know? This is too much to think about. I think I'm starting to panic.

Soon Iris wakes up to finding me panicking on the bed, still by her side but now hands on my head crying at the thought that it's too much for me to handle, yet she dosen't know what it's about.

"Hey, hey, hey, are you okay?" she asks.

"I-I don't know."I say as I am panic stuttering.

"Can you tell me what happened?" she asks again.

"I-I w-was overthinking, I have r-rumination." I say, stuttering at every chance I get.

"Let me get you some water." she says, as she gets up to fill the nearest cup up with tap water.

"Here drink some water, and calm down; breathe in and out." she says, calmly.

At that moment, it's almost like she knew what to do in that scenario, she just needed to know what was going on, but she didn't know.

My hands were shaking, the thoughts were too much in my mind, my hands on my head,I had a migraine and I just needed to think it about, write it down, talk about it, anything! She quickly grabbed me a wet, cold towel and placed it on my forehead, as I was still panicking. This wasn't my first really bad panic attack, I never told my parents about the attacks, I never told Raj or Charlie, or my siblings.

Only Iris knew, but only because it happened on her.

She then sat me on the bed, her on one side, me on the other;

"Can you tell me about the...rumination?" she says.

As I was slowly calming down, I started to talk again, slowly.

"It...was...about...uh...um...I...uh..." I said as I had no guts to tell her.

The attack was ending I was slowly starting to get my words back, I had crying marks on my face, and my mascara was smudged from me wiping the tears. Even though I knew that she wouldn't judge me I felt as a weight was on my shoulder, but I had to tell her, otherwise my overthinking would slowly and slowly just get worse and worse.

"It s-started hap-happening when I was a-asleep on my bed with y-you..."

I said with my voice shaky, and the stuttering continued.

"I liked it, it w-wasn't anything bad but I f-felt as if it was right to sleep with you,"

My words came back. I took the towel off my forehead.

"Iris, you are the only friend I had who made me feel like me when I am with you." I said.

"You too..." she said with a smile on her face.

She quickly hugged me tight, and asked a simple question that just hit me in the chest.

"Elodie, do you like me?" she asked

"I think I do." I said.

She quickly hugged tight, then asked, "More than just friends?" she asked.

"Yes." I said as I hugged her back, when I did that, it made all my thoughts go away.

We stayed in that hug for a while.

When I got out, we both had a smile on our faces and her cheeks were rosy.

"Hey, do you promise not to tell anyone about my...panic --attack?..." I asked.

"Of course, I'll keep it a secret." she said.

Then I got out of the hug and sat up next to her.

"It's just because I haven't told anyone before, not even my parents or my best-friends."

"You're the only person that knows." I said.

I got closer to her.

"I just don't want to get bullied for it." I added.

"It's safe with me." Iris said, assuring me that everything would be fine again.

"Thank you.." I said.

"You're welcome.." she said.