In His Shadow

Ruined

I locked my ensuite door turning the shower dial sharply to the left so that the water that sprayed out was verging on boiling. Steam rapidly filling the enclosed space; I knew what I was about to do was a form of self-harm. Still, it was preferable to taking a razor blade to my hip bones like I had in my younger years. No matter what my various therapists had told me I knew I needed to be punished. Time and time again I ruined everything despite being given an abundance of chances.

For the second time today I peeled off my soaking wet clothes throwing them into the laundry basket. Before I stepped into the steaming cascade of water, clenching my teeth as it instantly raised bright red welts on my skin. I dropped my head to my chest letting the torrent drum on my shoulders until I felt like my skin was bubbling. Under the steady stream I could pretend that the few tears that dripped out were simply part of the flow of the water. I did not deserve to cry, nobody had hurt me. Once again I had hurt everyone else.

I knew that if I stood there much longer my Ma would catch me in the act so I made short work of scrubbing the remaining mud from my skin. Warm, clean and less on edge I dried myself off and slipped into comfortable clothes. Just in time to hear a knock on my bedroom door, I pulled it open to reveal my Ma standing there with a cup of tea and a plate with pizza on it. I was so grateful for her lack of judgement that tears sprang back into my eyes.

"Oh love" Ma cooed.

She quickly put everything down on my desk and enfolded me into a bear hug. Even though being hugged that tightly hurt I did not tell her to stop. I never wanted it to stop. No matter what I did she would never leave me. Our parents had established a rule when we were younger that we would always decide the length of the hug; they would only release us when we were good and ready. When I finally felt like I could hold it together I let go, closing my bedroom door behind her so I could explain.

I didn't object when she acted the mother hen tucking a blanket around my knees and pressing the mug of tea into my hands. When I was sorted she settled in my window seat without saying a word, she knew that if she asked me probing questions I would clam up so she waited patiently.

"I'm sorry, I made such a mess! Da shouldn't have had to clean it up when he should have been having ice-cream with Seany Boo" The words tumbled out of me at top speed. I knew I could not make it right. Yet something inside of me demanded that I apologise and atone.

"Start from the beginning, Maya, love"

Under her gentle guidance and encouragement I explained the whole sorry affair. How we had all been in such great spirits until Kinsale decided to play dirty, until they had broken my teammates nose, thrown me to the floor and smashed a stick into my ribs. How I had managed to keep a very tenuous grip on my temper until they started insulting my family.

"That is why you don't want Johnny to know, love, because you were defending him"

I sighed heavily knowing that what I was about to say would make Ma as angry as it had made me.

"No Ma, I don't want him to know because of what she said. She told me that when I went home with her stick imprinted on my ribs I should tell my brother that it was his fault...She hit me because Johnny messed up that conversion against Wales. I can't tell him that. He feels absolutely rotten about it as it is"

I kept my eyes fixed warily on her face, I could pinpoint the exact moment when she lost her head. My Da might be a country lad but my Ma had been dragged up in the depths of a Dublin estate. She was not above starting a brawl with anyone who harmed her children. I hurriedly carried on needing to get the rest of the explanation out before she blew a gasket.

"Then when I got home I received a text, the only thing in it was a photo of me slapping her, she sent to everyone in the fricking County of Cork! That is when I caught on...She goaded me on purpose so I would be violent and the result would be disbarred. All that so her pathetic team would not be relegated. I am so angry at myself! I played right into her hands, I made an unholy mess for everyone and now they get to play Tommen again. Only I won't get to play because I was red carded so I am suspended for the next two matches" I blew out a frustrated breath explaining it all again causing fresh anger to surge through my system, curdling when it slammed into the regret pumping through me.