P.S. I'm still not over you

Chapter 2: You don't have to pretend

Chapter 2: You don't have to pretend

Do you ever felt like you've been pretending a lot? Well, I do. I just can't put my life together after he left  me. But I am trying. And I really tried so hard. BUt I guess it isn't working much.

I woke up feeling guilty. After our mall encounter, I haven't spoken to Sasha. At least  not a real talk. I don't talk much because I know that it will lead nowhere. And that I'll end up in her unredeemable inquisition. But despite all of that, she is my bestfriend and she stood there by my side and she helped me get through it. Sometimes this is the side effect of hurting so much. I know that most of the girls will pour their tears off , like to everybody. But that doesn't work for me. I prefer keeping it all inside. Safe and tight. Not that I don't trust Sasha. I love her very much and I do trust her. It's just sometimes it is better to leave a blank page than fill it up with your own story. Because no matter how much you try to please them with what you've written, they will always end up being contented with their own version of the story. 

Plus, She is my bestriend for a reason. She knows me very well. Every action, even without words, she can fathom. I guess that's why she never bothered me after the encounter. Apparently, she knows that no words can express what I felt. It's a storm of emotions. Trust me, you don't even have to know. It is bizarre in a lot of levels.

" So how's sleep?" Sasha asked me. There is expectation in her eyes. Expectation that I will talk. But I won't. Now I know why she coaxed me to spend my night in her crib. Wants to have a firsthand information, huh?

"Okay, okay. I know you're expecting me to say something but.. I really don't have anything to tell you."  I uttered defensively.

She pulled her I'm-so-innocent look, like it would work with me. She can maybe charm boys, but not me. Silly Sasha.

"You know what? Maybe I should go it's past 10 already!" I have to escape. As soon as possible. 

Sasha counter-attacks my motion. She didn't stand a chance. 

"Bye!"  that's the only thing she said that I've accepted. Badass me! HAHAHA.

It's been a month since, well you know. I think I'm commiting redundancy a couple of times but yeah, it's been a year since he left me. Well, technically he didn't leave me. For one thing,  he's still here in town. In fact, we are still on the same school.  Oh, we were. We graduated from highschool last month. That graduation day... that was the day he became cold.  That day, I just thought that he's like that because he's coping up with changes that will come. But I shouldn't have concluded that.  I acted the same way. I texted him, called him even. I mean, I treated him like we were that same guy and girl who loves each other even without commitment. But I can never be more wrong. Nothing is ever the same.

You see, it's not just the mere fact that I love him. It is also a form of betrayal to me. He earned my trust and then he's going to end things like that. It is unfair. 

Clearing up my thoughts, I straighten up and waited for my College Application interview. My hands are sweating. What if I mess up? My mind's full of what ifs, my heart's full of doubt.  My self-esteem is kind of off the road. 

"Spencer Cross, please come in." Okay, moment of truth.

The interview went well. At least that's what they've said. But if you'll ask me, I think I really screwed up. I entered that room, sat down and all I did was be nervous. Everything's very unnatural of me. I'm like a robot waiting for a college to accept me. Bunch of questions were thrown at me and I didn't catch them so well. The college said they would call me. But I doubt it.

I used to be this girl who is perky , confident and loud. Sometimes, I'm still that girl. But most of the time, barriers of our moments keep on flashing unto my mind and I'm this present girl that  I am. She's someone I don't really know about.

Later that night, I decided to open my facebook account. You know, just scan and maybe chat a little before going to bed. It sucks when internet connection is so slow. I want to kill the WIFI.  And then there, on the top of my newsfeed...

Mark Chastings

Its hard to tell your mind to stop loving someone, when you're heart still does.

Deep down inside, there's a flicker of hope that's telling me that I'm the one he's referring to. But I won't rely on that flicker. It never does me good. 

Somehow, it made me realize something. I shouldn't prevent my heart to keep on  loving him because that is what it wants. My mind could never take over my heart. I know that this time, I have to face him.

I have to ask him a yes or no question: Do you still love me?

This time, no more pretentious act on being okay because  I'm not.  I don't have to pretend not to love because I still do. 

My heart utters only one thing: You don't have to pretend.