Larger than Life...

The Pact

        I'm sorry if I do not repent at all. I was choosing again after so many years. All the sadness and loneliness I had felt were erased with a few words, your words; and I felt happy like I hadn't felt in a long time, and my heart felt alive for a while. I had wings to fly again.

     Juan had died a few months before, and an urgency crept on me, like there was not much time left and everything I had done until then, felt empty. I wanted to live it all, a story of my own, a tale to tell. I wanted to be selfish for the very first time, I wanted to have a moment for me and only me. And when in New Year's Eve you called and made the proposal, I accepted.

     "Hey Barb!" Tu voz de gringo me alborotaba el       alma.
    "Hola Dave! Cómo estás?" I nervously answered looking out the window.
    "Bien y tú?"How are things in PR? Even though you barely understood or spoke any Spanish, I liked when you tried.

     "Tonight is New Year's Eve and even though I will be home and far away from you, I want you to know that I will be thinking of you." he said.
     "I will be thinking of you too". I quickly responded, as my heart broke, like it did every time I remembered that we were both married.
     "Do you believe that the first person you kiss on New Year's Eve will become your lover?"
     "You mean like you "gringos" do under the mistletoe thing? The Latina in me couldn't help but tease him.
     "I was excited and petrified, we had called each other "special friends", as our relationship kept on developing through text and calls. We had only seen each other twice times during Juan's illness, and only once after his passing at a brief memorial the family had done for Juan in DC.
    "Sure, smart Jewish guy! But how are we supposed to kiss when I'm on the island and you are home in Virginia?"
     "Will do it through text, if we both agree to kiss at midnight, our fate will be sealed, and we will become lovers. Think about it! I'll be waiting for your text at midnight. Miss you!"
     Miss you too!"

     It was our way of saying goodbye. The conversation made me anxious and troubled, what was I thinking, better yet why was I not thinking. I had been pragmatic, and a person based on faith decision kind of type. Yet I knew right away what I would answer.

     And as midnight stroke on New Year's Eve on the island of Puerto Rico, I could not help but send my emoji kiss through text to David. There was a one-hour difference between the island and Virginia, because of the Daylight-Saving Time.

     "Take it easy girl! There is still one hour left. We got time".
     "I want it to get it right, and it's already midnight in PR."

     He texted a kiss back; fireworks erupted in the clear dark sky, and I stood alone on the threshold of my house and at the threshold of my life. My husband was in the bedroom, upstairs. As usual, he had not been in the mood for welcoming the New Year and he would spend the night as he had done every single night of that same year, sleeping.

Music was and forever will be an intrinsic component in my life, tunes play in my mind like sonatas to Beethoven, and every important memory along my life journey is characterized by them. And as the Old Year ended and the New Year began a song kept playing.

Lift me up
Hold me down
Keep me close
Safe and sound

Burning in a hopeless dream
Hold me when you go to sleep
Keep me in the warmth of your love
When you depart, keep me safe
Safe and sound...

Lift me up/ Rihanna

Oceans apart, I didn't know how it was supposed to happen, the distance kept me confident for a while, wishful thinking, an illusion that made my days seem brighter but would never come to transpire.

But there is always a way for the foolish heart, for those who stop using logic and make bets with endearing intentions. And the impetuous soul urges on, and the spirit watches, cause the dice was cast a long time ago, and the winning strike was to be mine; and as the year ended, our fate was  sealed.
    
David had been an unexpected surprise, a gift or a curse, I still couldn't decide.