Larger than Life...

And then You were Gone

What is life without faith or hope? Even in the brink of the abysm we Catholics stick to our prayers, rosaries and novenas. A glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel relieves the trouble spirit.

I had expected for Juan to start a new trial, we could tell from the worsening symptoms that the former one was not working. Juan kept loosing weight no matter how much effort I put into feeding him. One afternoon, on late September, tremors, chills and kidney failure propelled Juan to the hospital. Before going to the hospital, he insisted I drove him as usual around DC. Calls came in as we still didn't make it to the hospital, doctors were waiting. When we finally arrived, Juan was very pale and could barely walk, not because it was painful but because he had no energy.

As soon as he was admitted his body started to shut down, even amidst all the turmoil and the chaos Juan could sense around him, he still had hope, I was devastated, trying to be stronger than I felt. I insisted we should make calls to the family to let them know he had been hospitalized, he still spoke of seeing them during the weekend, by then the doctors had told me that Juan would not make it past that night.

He became ethereal, his pale countenance made him appear ghostly, barely present and still he smiled the sweetest smile and hoped. I made FaceTime calls to everyone I could remember, it was a farewell although Juan still believed he had time. His foley was tinted red, his kidneys were down.

My mother and brother made it before eight at night, by then Juan could not speak but still smiled. Like in a nightmare the elusive human figure of my friend and older brother was gone. Even then I did not cried.

The first text of condolences I received came from you, and you tried to find the silver lining among Juan's passing. I could not follow what you tried to explain, for me there wasn't a plausible positive aspect or sign of hope in Juan's passing.

I believe silver lining is not a term used by Latins, for us is either black or white, they are not shades of gray. My brother who conquered the Everest, the radiologist, the kind hearted, warm, immortal older sibling was dead.

A small memorial was held on Juan's house. Only the closest friends and acquaintances were invited, and we met for the third time.

It was a beautiful memorial, my brother gathered pictures of  Juan's closest and dear friends, and it kept showing on the TV screen throughout the ceremony, each one beholding a special memory and time in Juan's life. Every one spoke of Juan's kindness, memories that could never be forgotten, an illusion of holding tight to what could never be brought back. I was shattered, broken, dead inside.

Outside Juan's door, you gave me a hug, your presence comforted me, all I could think was that I did not wanted you to go either.

"I have a plane to catch, I need to leave, hate to leave you alone so soon."
My heart sank, I wish you had stayed longer.
Little did I know that was the normative of your life.

That night I slept with my mother on Juan's bed, some family members had come and stayed also, the sleeping arrangements were made to accommodate as many as we could. I could not sleep, I coiled my body hugging my knees, I wanted to become tiny, so tiny that I could disappear among the vastness of the universe, if reality transurfing could be done I wanted to expedite myself to a life line where Juan was still very much alive.

The morning was no better, but the constant chatter of the rest of the family was a familiar noise that helped ease the burden of the stricken who share the same ailment.

We all arranged our departing flights, and the moment of going back home made the sadness sank deeper. The realization of Juan's passing came in full force and I was desperately blown away with the intense grief of never hearing or seeing my beloved Juanito ever again.
My hope was gone, our endless and constant talks of freedom gone...my safe haven gone.

They say when a door closes another opens. The closing of Juan's door opened yours, but not all doors are meant to be opened.

Would you know my name
if I saw you in Heaven?
Would it be the same
if I saw you in Heaven?
I must be strong
And carry on
Cause I know I don't belong
Here in Heaven

Would you hold my hand
If I saw you in Heaven?
Would you help me stand
If I saw you in Heaven?
I'll find my way
Through night and day
Cause I know I just can't stay
Here in Heaven

Time can bring you down
Time can bend your knees
Time can break your heart
Have you begging please
Begging please

Beyond the door
There's peace, I'm sure
And I know there'll be no more
Tears in Heaven

Tears in Heaven/Eric Clapton