Larger than Life...

Starry, Starry Night

For they say among shadows, the brightest lights are born; your presence lingered on me as a faithful companion that would not dissipate. I was trying to sleep, torn between seeing you again, or deciding against it. Ramy could certainly drive Juan to your house , and I would remain safe, you see, I was very much afraid. My heart had been obtunded for many years now, and I liked it that way.

"Are you friend or foe?" I questioned myself and the heart answered.

Restlessly battling between damp sheets, I tried to sleep. It was August, even though it was a very hot summer, Juan was constantly cold; a fearless chill had settled in his diminishing body, and as the cancer spread; it was hard to keep him warm. The air conditioner was barely used in those days. He wore layers of clothing and jackets on top, still the freezing cold hand of death never loosened its grip on him.

I stepped outside the inner courtyard, gazing at the dark clear skies, seeking company among the stars. The stars, my dear friends, the kind of friendship that last through a lifetime, the ones that never fail. Is our fate truly written in them? What did they say about me then?

I laid myself on the thick green grass, and a sense of peace immediately permeated my soul. There is always light among darkness, many little ones, brightly twinkling into the unknown, furiously withstanding against the blackness that threatens to engulf us all; and if you look with your heart, spirit and soul you'll see the timelines among the constellations like crisscrossed roads, forever intertwined. The timelines that we choose, the choices that make us who we are, the parallel alternative worlds waiting to be seized by those who see, listen and know.

And as I gazed at the stars and into the dark clear sky, I fell asleep and dreamed. Giant white ropes descended from the inner matrix of the universe, and I leaped from timelines holding on to them. The way monkeys leap from trees, the same way I was making my way into new worlds where I was sure to find you. I was weightless, free and all the wisdom of the world lay ahead.

"Yes, you can still choose, yes, it's never too late; it is your creation. You create along as you feel with your heart, think with your mind, carefully choose in agreement with both; then act with intention. Your 3D World is your own making."the voice said.

A bright bold light covered it all, and as I shielded my eyes from the intense glare, I saw you; big brown eyes, same intense stare, and I woke up shaking feverishly. In the hot humid summer night, I was trembling, the dream gone, the feeling of belonging never left.

"Starry, starry night
Paint your palette blue and gray
Look out on a summer's day
With eyes that knows the darkness of my soul...

For they could not love you
But still your love was true
And when no hope was left in sight
On that starry, starry night
You took your life, as lovers often do
But I could have told you,
This world was never meant for one
As beautiful as you
(Don McLean)

When you look at the stars what do you see? It is my favorite question to ask, and when people respond, I know how unlit they are inside.
  
     In the inscrutable darkness I felt movement, and my dear "Juanito" as I lovingly called Juan had joined me lying on the thick green grass. 

      "I want to live Sis."
      "I know, keep fighting the good fight, we can beat
      this together"
      "But what if I get tired and can't do it anymore?
      Some nights when I hear the voices, I know they
      are right, it would be easier to just let go and drift
      into the peaceful warm space they inhabit."
     "Then I'll help you fight every inch of the way, I
      won't let you give up. You are my big bro, you
      can't leave me behind. Promise me you won't."
     "I don't want to sis, but I can't promise something
I might not be able to fulfill. I'm grateful for the 
time we had been spending together amidst this   
      sickness. You had never come alone to DC to stay
      with me before and I treasure every minute that
      we had spend together. Sleeping with the enemy"
      must be enraged.
     "He'll live Juan."
     "And you need to live too, promise me you will not
     keep living half a life after I'm gone. You deserve
     so much more."
     "You are not going anywhere Juanito, and
   I promise I'll stop living half a life."

     The heavens, the stars, the universe contemplated our sorrow, we held hands and prayed for a miracle. 

Do not dream half a dream
Do not fantasize about half hopes
Half a life is a life you didn't live,
A word you have postponed
A love you have not had
A friendship you did not know
The half is a mere moment of inability,
but you are able for you are not half a being.
You are a whole that exist to live a life,
not half a life.
Khalil Gibran