Larger than Life...

Fate

Pain was the reason we met, and fate intertwined our lives. Juan was my eldest brother and on the onset of his illness, I took turns along with other family members to help with his caring. It was mid August and I was back again in DC. As his pancreatic cancer trial was coming to an end, his pain was unbearable. An appointment was made at John's Hopkins Hospital, same hospital where Juan had undergone his chemo treatments, for a Celiac Plexus Block procedure.

The morning of the procedure, Juan's friend Ramy, showed up to drive him to the hospital. He was tall, dark, outrageously funny and Filipino.

"You don't have to go Sis, Ramy can drive me. You worry too much. I'll be fine!"
"Of course I'll go, the house is boring without you".
    
I couldn't let him go on his own, he could barely walk straight then, and he had gotten used to leaning on my smaller frame to help him do so.

"I'm walking like Dad now Sis". He could tell he was deteriorating fast, but his willingness to live never faltered. I kept a rosary on me every day, hoping for a miracle, trying to be strong for him, keeping the smile up, even when my heart was dying along with his every single minute.
Juan had always been skinny, but now he was practically bones and skin. His good disposition survived the cancer diagnosis, the treatment, the unbearable pain, but he was tired, and I fought every minute to keep him awake. I was afraid that if his sleep was profound enough he would not wake up again.

"They talk to me when I am asleep. They say I will be good on the other side"
"Stop talking nonsense Juan, it's the pills, they make you hallucinate." I was afraid, I knew it was all true. I did not want to accept it. Juan was not only my brother, but my best friend, my rock. I could not imagine my life without Juan in it , but he had been battling cancer for six months now, and pancreatic cancer was a death curse.

As soon as we arrived at the hospital, Juan was reeled in. Ramy and I were sitting by a window, looking at our phones, waiting for the procedure to be over.

"The procedure went well" the doctor said.

Ramy and I turned simultaneously, and I saw you for the very first time. You smiled, and when you did, my heart automatically skipped a beat. Our surroundings disappeared and an all I could do was focus on you, time became still, and I could hear your words coming out of your mouth like in a dream. Your eyes were kind but piercing, and your smile was reflected on them. You were wearing the usual white coat that all doctors wear at the hospital. I could not pronounce a word. I had to shake up the feeling that I had known you for years. I was a skeptical, Latin and Catholic; these things don't happen to us.

Ramy introduced us. "Dr. David Levi meet Barbara, Juan's sister".
"Nice meeting you Barbara. It would be great if you could bring Juan tomorrow to my place. It would be a follow up, also some friends would like to see him" you lowered your voice and became closer as you were speaking. I nodded, that was all I could do. I hadn't known you and Juan were friends. You all were, Ramy also.

On our way back to the house, I was still quiet and very much confused. Ramy was driving from Baltimore to DC, Juan was in the passenger seat, and I was sitting on the rear seats. Juan was very happy, his pain was gone. I was praying that once the anesthesia wore off, the pain would not return. Before he had the procedure, he had been given strong opioids to manage his pain, and even with them he could barely stand up straight. He was excited and laughing like a child.

"I told you David was THE BEST" Juan was saying to Ramy. I'm cured, I don't feel pain at all.
"He certainly is one of the best and he has all the credentials to back it up" Chief of Pain Medicine at John's Hopkins, who would have known".
" I always knew, he had discipline something you and I lacked back then".
"He got married, that was all the discipline we lacked".
I was shaken, he was married; and so was I.

Juan's great spirits continued all the way back to DC, and when we got home I couldn't help but pray that Juan would be truly healing ...

When you try your best, but you do not succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse...

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you..
-Fix You- Coldplay