Jessie Kensington thought she had escaped her troubled past when she faked her death and started a new life as Violet Arrowood. But three years later, she finds herself at Vanguard University on a scholarship, trying to build the future she always d...
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I'm spiralling. For the past two hours I've been laying in bed listening to my heart trying to escape my chest. This has been a regular routine for me every time I've been alone for the past five days. Thump. Thump. Thump. My head is aching. Throbbing, emotions are banging against my skull. I'm trying hard to stop that fear from escaping me, I can feel it burning in my stomach and tearing up my chest, it clutches my heart and if I don't release it it threatens to squeeze until I give in or my heart stops beating. I can feel every ounce of the scared, angry, sad girl that I used to be trying to claw her way out, and I hate it. I don't know how to stop it. Before I came here it was easy to keep her at bay, doing tasks to keep my mind busy and avoiding triggers. But being here and caring again, living again. It's bringing everything back.
I know it's impossible but I'm terrified he somehow saw that photo. Or knows I am somehow alive. If he found me, he would kill me. Or worse. That much I'm sure of.
But it's been a week since Clara posted that photo and there has been no sign of him. Because he thinks I'm dead. He knows I'm dead. My past can't hurt me anymore, I tell myself. But that doesn't mean the memories go away. The fear is glued to my bones, my past, my future, my present.
I have been working on an assignment all afternoon. The headmaster called me into his office to talk about how I was going with my classes. I was beginning (and hoping) to think he forgot about me. He said he will give me another few days to finish my assignment but if I get below a 62 on my essay, then he will have to assign me a tutor. Which doesn't sit right with me. Someone knowing that I am struggling, someone that will ask questions about how I got into such a fancy university with being so uneducated. Someone who will get close. I don't like the idea of it at all.
This is the first afternoon I haven't spent with Clara and I find myself missing her company, which is an odd feeling because I am so used to being on my own. I worry about her. She puts on such a brave face for everyone but I can see how much she is struggling. I can see it because I can see me. But she hasn't spoken about the night, not once.
Not getting anywhere with my assignment, I decide I need a break. I pull out my phone and send a text to Ted and Clara.
"What are you up to?"
I chuck my phone on my bed after I press send and go to grab something to eat but then my phone dings.
Clara's name pops up on the screen.
"Come over, freak."
I don't even bother putting on shoes or ask her why I am a freak as I run out the door and pad down the hallway.
I also don't even bother knocking as I walk into her dorm. Which should be locked.
"Hi. " I chirp. Excited to see my best friend- my best girl friend. I find myself doing that a lot. Mentally correcting myself. Clara is without a doubt one of the best friends I have ever had. In fact, apart from Mikey, she is the only best friend I have ever had. But I catch myself feeling guilty, like I am betraying Mikey somehow. Which I'm not. With Clara it's different. I've never had a true girl-friend before. "Why isn't your door locked?"
