Gonzales

04

Leonardo POV

I arranged everything inthe room.... the clothes, the books, the shelves, , the accumulated papers, my schedule, the tasks for the week, the pictures in my phone too.

The chaos is over...

Everything is in its right place now except me, I hold my head with both hands sadly and repeat how do I do it inside me ?

My  dream is to be a mentally stable person. To be normal, not tense, afraid, anxious, waiting for anything, or missing anything. 

I want to be a normal, stable, and reconciled person, that's all

I have an ambitious heart, and a body riddled with anxiety.It seems nothing i ever do, is good enough for me.

I tell myself  I will feel proud, once I scale the next mountain. but I never do, at most, only a temporary sigh of relief

I  always feel like i'm falling behind, always out of breath, attempting to catch up.I spent my whole childhood being told, i'm very mature, too smart  for my age.

Now I feel stunted in every possible way

Looks like someone uses Intelligence as a dump stat.

Hypotenuse-face!

Your as useless as a white crayon

 I tried to stop the thoughts but it keep it coming .They are right , I'm useless like a white crayon whilst my twin brother all the other colors 

My dad  did his best to put the bullying to an end and it did stop but I can't ever forget it.

I hope you know how much I love you, dad.

I hope you know that I'm thankful of you for everything you've done for me  and I'm sorry I haven't said it to you more often.

I miss the times when things were so carefree and I could say the things that came from the bottom of my heart because that's how much I love you.

But now, I hate myself for not being brave enough to hug you. And when you crack the lamest of jokes and you throw your head back laughing, eyes shimmering with happiness and something I can't seem to comprehend for the life of me, I smile softly as my heart feels at ease, remembering that every time.

I see you going through the toughest of times and I wish I could take away all that pain. I wish I could shield you from this ruthless world and heal the scars from your past.

I heard a knock on my door," Leo, It's me Romeo. can I come in?" I walked toward the door and opened it ,  I walked back to my bed and sat on it. He came inside and his eyes observing my room and stopped and held up my book Ready Player One by Ernest Cline. It's one of my favorites

My therapist told me I'm really self-aware, but I  just need someone to recognize, and that's Romeo

I can't go a single second without psychoanalyzing and intellectualizing my every thought and feeling.being so aware is eating me alive, i never get any mental rest.

" So that's what you have been doing all day? "He said putting the book back down, I nodded looking at my hands and playing with my fingers.  He sat on the bed next to me and " How are you?"

I just stayed quiet, then he put his hands on mine stopping me " Look at me Leo, please." He said in soft tone.

I looked at him and "you always  ask me if i am okay, and my answer is always the same, it is not because i don't want to tell you, how can i tell you something that i have not yet understood?" I said getting up walking away from him.