Gonzales

06

Matteo's POV

"How do you know you're in love?", Marco  asked softly as we sat across from each other on the floor, playing cards  

I  glanced at him before looking outside the window, leaning my head back against the couch as I sighed,

 "You realize you're in love when words can't even begin to describe the warm feeling that spreads throughout your body, the feeling of being at home. You will realize that love isn't a feeling anymore, It's a person and if that isn't beautiful, I don't know what is."

My eyes glazed over with an emotion I couldn't place as I continued, "People spend their whole lives searching for love, whether it's from someone or within yourself. But love finds you. It transcends time and place and everything else in between. And the best part is you'll realize it when you least expect it."

I turned his gaze toward Marco  only to find his eyes on me  before he asked, "Have you ever been in love?"

I smiled softly at him, hoping he didn't catch on,

How do I answer that without giving anything away? Do I tell him that every time I close my eyes, all I see is her ?

Or that my thoughts are filled with nothing but her. Or that my hands itch to fill the pages my heart has longed to say whenever her gaze used to  meet mine. 

Instead, I brush it off and reply, "No. Not even once" I said sipping the beer and remembering the conversation t that haunts me to this day.

"So, would him  date me if he  asked you out someday?" her friend asked.

"No, definitely not! he's not my type,"she said, avoiding her friend's eyes.

Unaware that I had been listening, that day, I learned- eyes don't lie even when words do and two weeks later  I  watched her kiss my best friend, I could feel the sparks between them.

They turned around and noticed me standing from distance . I waved at them 

"It's okay, I will leave. Continue " 

They stood there in shook

They heard only,"It's okay."

They didn't hear the trembling in my voice when I said it.

The thing  they did , Haunt me. Day and night. I forgave her though I don't know why. But I did.

It took 5 seconds for them to do their confession but It takes 5 months or more to get over what they did.

But what do I do about the pain? The raw, inescapable damage? I gave her peace, But lost mine in the process.

Sometimes... I just wish I had my forever person.

Someone to come home to,

Someone to give all this love that's been sitting in my heart.

Love where we lie in bed, wrapped in each other's arms, Too tired from the day, Our friends, colleagues, and family, Too tired from the world. We'd talk about anything and everything, Until our voices get soft, That soft, sleepy sound you hear when you're about to drift off.

We'd laugh, talk some more and slowly, the world around us would disappear.

And it'd be just us... but everytime I meet someone new, I fear they'll be just like her .

 These wounds she gave, Keep on reopening, I can't stop thinking about that one moment, That she took my sanity away from me. The void of hurt is pitch-black and dark, Something forgiving you can never fill.

I zoned out my thoughts when my beer got snatched out my hand, I looked up to see Luca about to take a sip before he can, Romeo slapped the back of his head " Not yet. You still have more years."

" You had your first beer at 15 , It's not fair " Luca grumbled 

" So? You can't tell me what to do." Romeo shrugged drinking it.

" You guys are no fun, I'm going to my room." Luca said stomping away

" More beer for us" Marco said loud for Luca to her as Luca flipped him off, then Marco stood up"Alright I'm out."

" And where are you going?"  Romeo said raising an eyebrow, Marco replied " With my friends. I'm not a teen no more."

" Yeah, I will believe it when I know you don't get put up in jail." Romeo said in snickering tone.

" I didn't even call you to bail me out" then he looked at me" Wait you told him? Seriously?"

I shrugged not bothered to answer him, then Romeo spoke " No, I was with him when you called. Just go before I tell mom."

Marco then left and Romeo looked me " What's up with you? You don't drink this much." He said looking at the three cans of beer

" You still thinking about her?"I just nodded, he just shrugged sighing as we continued to pass the beer back and forth 

 Do l still love her? Yes. Yes, of course, I do. Always have.

Even if she doesn't love me back? Yes, I love her unconditionally. It's not fair of me to ask her to love me just because I love her.

Would I continue to love her even if I can never have her?

The thought of not having her by my side is maddening, but yes, I would love her nonetheless.

I can't be the one she love the most but, I can be the one to love her the most.

I handed my heart to her , felt like the love was true, Should've known it meant nothing to her

Oh, how silly of me

I fell first.

She didn't fall.

Sometimes things go wrong. People leave. Hearts break. Stuff that you didn't want to happen, happens. Experiences that are out of your control hit you like a wall, and there's nothing you can do other than accept this phase of life. 

In those moments, it's hard to believe that life will be okay again. Because how can it be, when everything is going wrong? But things have to get better, don't they? Bad stuff happens in order for us to appreciate the good, and often things fall apart so that the broken pieces can join together in a new way in the way that they were supposed to.

Sometimes things go wrong because the patterns that existed were too toxic for us to continue. And because we refuse to step out of our comfort zone and accept what's meant for us -the natural laws, a higher reality, God they make that change for us. Sometimes things go wrong because there's no other way for them to go and challenges are essential for growth.

And sometimes things go wrong because we're trying so hard to push pieces that don't fit together, in order for life to make sense. But those pieces need to fall apart. We need to fall apart. Life needs to fall apart -so that it can come together the way it was meant to.

The end

1333 words 

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