Pretty Savage | 18+

Chapter 16

     E m p t i n e s s

     I didn't feel anything. There was emptiness in my head. I didn't like that feeling. I knew that I had to do something, but I couldn't muster the strength to do it. The only thing I could think about was this one lousy thing – emptiness.

     I wrapped myself in the covers about an hour ago when I was ready to sleep. This time, as usual, should be devoted to something useful. I couldn't. The future was supposed to be hopeless, I couldn't think about the positives. Moving even one part of my body was too tiring for me. Slowly my head began to spin; I fell asleep.

   You leapt from crumbling bridges
   Watching cityscapes turn to dust

     I turned on the music as soon as I got home. I've been doing this more and more often lately. Usually I felt that only those songs understood me. Now I didn't even turn them off when I went to sleep.

     Music could cheer me up, help me control myself, but even fall into a bigger depression. The problem was that I was in a hole most of the time - and then the only thing you could listen to was sad music.

   Filming helicopters crashing

   In the ocean from way above

     I turned on my back, and stared at the ceiling. Why, when I could finally fall asleep, did I have a problem with it? It happened that when I was about to fall asleep, something woke me up. I hated it.

     Everything used to be easier back then. The world was sparkling with colors, and there was no end to the fun. Life was an adventure. When I say "back then," I mean the time when my dad andmy older brother Wo-jin were still alive.

    The last memory I shared with them was that of their deaths. It hurt me, but the only thing I remembered was that it was just better during their lifetime. The whole effect was probably intensified by the fact that I was a child at the time.

     Dad was the only person who could stop my mother from constantly trying to please others. All the time, she wanted to meet every little expectation. We are people, we cannot be perfect. We cannot please everyone, in every little aspect. Mother lost herself in the feeling of being watched; She still believed that everyone was gossiping about her behind her back. When dad was gone, who saved her from this storm of thoughts, perfection began to burden me as well.

     On my 10th birthday, the whole family was supposed to go for a walk in the forest. I chose it as my birthday present. My mother was devoting herself to work more and more often, and I wanted to spend time with the whole family. I didn't know that this one trip would turn my life into hell.

     My mother resigned because she had to take care of an important project at work. We walked in the forest until dark. Then everything happened so quickly. A car, tall figures, a sudden headache. I didn't know what was going on. Because how the fuck is a 10-year-old child supposed to behave when he is suddenly kidnapped?!

     I woke up somewhere else. We were still outside, my body stiff from the cold. I was leaning against a dark, crumbling building that was surrounded by a fence. Only after a long while did I notice my dad, who was sitting right next to me. He was crying, and he was holding something big in his arms.

     He was holding my brother's body. All covered in blood. Shit.

    I felt dizzy. I didn't want to believe that this was happening. I saw the dead body of my dearest brother, with whom I had planned a lot of adventures for the two of us. My body shivered, and I leaned my hand against the wall of the building so as not to fall over.

     It sounded so terrible. My heart was bleeding. I have never forgotten the precious moments I spent with him. One day, when the kids were teasing me at school, Wo-jin devoted the whole day to me. We did everything I asked him to do to make me feel better. Many times we also built a base from our bed. We had a bunk bed, so we covered the lower part with blankets. We watched movies there, had fun, or just sat there. It was impossible to forget. You don't forget such things. They are remembered and valued above all else. And now, Wo-jin lay dead in his father's arms, who was dirty with the blood of his firstborn.

     I burst into tears, and jumped as the door, which I had not noticed before, opened. I gave my father a frightened look, and I did the first thing I thought about. I turned around, and started running as fast as I could. I didn't know where, I just ran away. When I reached the fence, I began to desperately look for an escape route. At the bottom, I found a hollow in the ground that I could squeeze through. I reached it, and ignoring the abrasions from the ground or the sharp edges of the destroyed fence, I crawled to the other side.

     I immediately got up, and turned behind me. I immediately screamed in terror, and fell backwards. I fell into the mud, but that wasn't a problem. The man who was going out the door was standing right next to the fence, staring at me coldly. My heart was pounding in all directions, tears were running down my face, and my body was shaking. I slowly started to crawl backwards.

     My eyes got used to the darkness, but the tears blurred the picture. The only thing I could see was the dark outlines, and the stronger outline of the eyes that stared persistently at me. I swallowed loudly, and sobbed as the man pulled his pistol out of his pocket. My blood froze in my veins, my heart went to my throat. Without breaking eye contact, this man pointed his gun at my father. I shook my head, giving him a pleading look.

- If you escape, I'll kill him. It's up to you to decide - he muttered, and I thought I was going to pass out because the uncomfortable feeling of heat went through my body, and at the same time I felt the force go away from my body.

     That was the moment when I really thought I was going crazy. Never again did my heart pound so terribly, and never did I shake so much. I looked at the pistol, then into the woods where I could run, and finally at my dad and my brother's corpse. I fixed my gaze on the outlines of their bodies. They were barely visible.

     I made my decision.

     I jumped up and started to run away. I almost fell over. After running a few meters, I heard three shots from a pistol. Tears flowed down my face even more.

     Now my whole soul was bleeding. I lost them both in that pitiful moment. I have never forgiven myself for this.

     I was able to tell everything in detail only after a few days. A 10-year-old child should not experience things like these.

     I hated myself for leaving them there at the time. I couldn't look at my own reflection in the mirror. Every day was torment and torment; as if I were dragging a huge boulder behind me. Making friends with anyone was a huge problem for me. This case had a lot of publicity. I was afraid that people saw me as a monster and a murderer who left his family at such a difficult time. I didn't want to let anyone in because I was afraid that I would leave them one day.

     After that, life got worse and worse. My mother began to abuse me, and after a few years she found mine father's replacement - Diego. The surroundings were getting darker and darker. On the day of Dad and Wo-jin's death, life lost that magical spark. It way graying extremely slow. Until it became monochromatic, as it is now. And I couldn't stop asking myself one question: why?