Always

Chapter 6

The train gently slowed to a stop and the sound of muffled cheering soon filled the train car. I spread apart the blinds just enough to see through, and the crowd on the other side of the glass was overwhelming.

I suddenly felt a wave of nausea come over me and I quickly shut the blinds and sat back down.

Memories of being here with Peeta ran through my head from our first games to our last moments together. I was going to vomit.

Gale placed a comforting hand on my shoulder and gave me his signature reassuring smile. I blinked and the whole world started to spin.

"Hey, Katnip," he whispered. "Don't worry about it. I know it's hard to be in the Capital again, but we're here for you."

I gripped the chair's arms and breathed heavily, hoping for this all to be over. My mind raced along with my heart and I knew that Gale couldn't comfort me at the moment. At a time like this the only thing that could comfort me was Peeta. His arms, his voice, his eyes, his love. And it was gone. Grief rose up in the back of my throat and I felt sick.

His eyes fell to the floor, defeated, as I rose to my feet and rushed to the bathroom. I threw open the door and fell to my knees. I grasped the seat of the toilet with both hands and leaned forward, retching into the cold bowl.

My blood ran cold as I continued to be sick. He was all I think about. I couldn't get rid of his constant presence in my mind. It was killing me. I hadn't forgotten a single detail of his face and his body. I had memorized Peeta Mellark. Every inch of that man was etched into my brain.

I leaned back, feeling empty, and wiped my mouth on my sleeve. I ran my fingers through my hair and left them there. I stayed crouched on the bathroom floor for what seemed like seconds and hours at the same time.

I instinctively reached for my protruding stomach after that violent episode and leaned my head against the sink. My nameless, faceless baby. I rubbed it slowly, gently, and continued to watch the world spin.

A soft knock on the door startled me from my haze.

"Annie?", I called, hoarsely.

She entered silently. Closing the door behind her, she padded over and sat with me but we didn't dare speak. Both of us were still unable to let go, caught in a never-ending state of pain and grieving. Two mothers whose children had no father. We were alone in this and neither of us could completely accept it.

She placed her hand on my back and held the silence.

We had a connection, the two of us. We understood the other's pain.

I heard the muted chanting outside grow louder and I covered my ears...

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That was the last thing I remembered before I was sitting at a large white table with both of my friends beside me. Gale sat to my left, and Annie to my right.

The dull hum of the crowd wavered as they cheered my name. I was here. The Capital stop on our tour.

The lingering smell of roses filled my senses and eradicated any trace of rational thinking in my mind. Snow's dead, I reminded myself. Don't worry.

I tuned out all the noises of the large, echoey
hall and did the best I could to try and smother my panic.

I glanced around the room quickly. All these faces. I had likely killed one of their family members. I hung my head, ashamed. I couldn't look them in the eye. I killed their children.