Always

Chapter 4

I sat there, cross-legged, on the ground of the nursery. I pulled at the pastel rug as I watched Annie play with Finn.

The sounds of wooden blocks smashing together and high pitched screeches were unfamiliar to me, and Annie grinned apologetically before I assured her it was fine. I enjoyed watching Finn toddle around, destroying everything in his path.

I tried to push the thought of Finn growing up without a father out of my mind. But that's all I could think of.

Finn would never know his father, just like my baby would never know Peeta. My cheeks felt hot and wet; I realize I'd been crying.

I quickly wiped the tears away, not wanting to alert Annie, or Finn for that matter. He was such a beautiful baby. Round, glowing cheeks and a mop of curly red hair. And those eyes. Finnick's eyes.

Finn slowly made his way toward me, determination in his eyes. My eyebrows raised at him and my mouth curved into a smile.

"Hey there buddy. Uh, what are you doing?"

He gurgled in response and held out a small toy bear. I looked at it curiously. He screeched, impatient.

"Is this for me?" I whispered.

He smacked it down into my lap and left without a backwards glance.

I unknowingly tilted my head to the side as I giggled at him. I switched my attention to the bear on my lap and held it gently in my hands. I could almost make out a movement in my stomach in response to the bear and smile.

Annie slid over to me.

"He must really like you. That one," she said, pointing to the bear, "is his favorite."

I turned it over in my hands and patted it's little velvet ears back.

"He's quite the charmer," I teased. Annie laughed and gazed at her son lovingly.

I watched Finn; his eyes were so like his father's. I didn't want to bring up the elephant in the room, but I couldn't keep it in.

"Annie," I suddenly blurted out. "What's it like knowing Finn will never have a father?"

She looked at me in shock and I instantly felt horrible.

"Ah," she said, recovering. "He did have a father. The bravest, the kindest, and the most handsome man I ever knew. I'll make sure he knows who his father is, and how beautiful a person he was. That's the best I can do for him. But I do see what you're saying. It's difficult, and not a day goes by that I don't worry about it. Right now, I'm just doing the best I can, one day at a time."

A crash and a squeal quickly brought her attention back to Finn. He sat on the ground, holding his elbow and wailing. Annie swiftly scooped him up and sat him on her lap.

Annie was an amazing mother, she was so good to her son. The reoccurring thought of being a disappointment of a mother found its way back into my mind. Peeta would have been an amazing parent, much better than I could've ever been.

A muted jealousy filled my heart. I rubbed my belly, telling it softly that I would do the best I could, and told it not to blame me.

I felt a small push in response and stared down in awe as my eyes widened. My breath caught in my throat.

I looked up at Annie who, to my surprise, was already staring at me with a genuine smile reaching her cheeks.

"Pretty exciting, isn't it?" she asked knowingly. I looked up at her and nodded, still unable to speak. I turned my gaze back down to my stomach and started laughing lightly. Finn, his wound cured by Annie's kisses, scooched over to investigate.

"Want to feel?" I smile at him. He responded with his eyes lighting up and nodding vigorously. I slowly took his hand and placed it on my abdomen where the ever so slight movement was located.

He giggled and looked up at me when he felt another push. He shrieked playfully and backed up before falling flat on his behind.

My thoughts quickly clouded as I realized how close this baby was to being in this world without a father.

Peeta.

My breathing picked up and the room was spinning. I had to get out of this room, this house this world.

I stood up and staggered to the side. Annie glanced up at me, worried.

"What's wrong?" she asked.

"I need some fresh air." I said, hurriedly.

I threw the door open and half-tripped down the stairs. Pushing the front door open without hesitation, I stumbled outside. I turned and gripped the railing, my knuckles white.

I knew exactly where I was going as soon as I stepped outside. Immediately I started running as fast as my legs could carry me without thinking, taking me the route I've taken so many times before.

I reached the edge of the woods. Not the woods I grew up in, those were in the decimated Twelve. No, these were my woods now. Not even Gale took much of an interest in these. I ducked through the underbrush and ran for the hollow tree.

I quickly grabbed my bow and arrows, but didn't move.

Everything hit me all at once. Just say what you know is true, I told myself.

I am Katniss Everdeen.

I was in the Hunger Games, twice.

I won, twice.

I lost Peeta.

I got him back.

Peeta is dead.

I am a mother.

I hid my head in my hands, weeping, not for myself, but for the future of my unborn child.