Escaping the Past

Cleaning Out My Closet

I stayed home for three days, tending to my brother. Because of the crash, Jackson sustained a broken leg, and numerous cuts and bruises. I’m just happy that he didn’t die. He could’ve been in school for these past few days, but the doctor said he should rest at home. I would’ve been in school too, but my parents decided instead of one of them taking three days off, I would. It’s not too bad though, because I didn’t want to see anyone besides Trip, Patch, and even Rosemary. Jackson hasn’t done much but sleep, so I texted Trip throughout the days. He’s also been collecting all my work for me so I can do it over the weekend, which is much better than dumping it on me on Monday.

                I’ve been feeling guilty, though. Trip has come clean about everything, but I haven’t. I’m not sure why, but I feel the need to tell him about seeing Anthony and the kiss, yet I’m scared to. As I’m thinking about this, the clock strikes one, and I know it’s lunchtime at school. Almost immediately after that thought pops into my head, my phone lights up. Hey Tay when ya want me to deliver your work? I think it over and then reply, Right after school? That okay? He texts back saying sure, and I let him eat.

                When I set my phone down, I hear my brother faintly call for water. I go to the kitchen and fix a glass of water for my brother, and then take it to him. “You know,” I say as I step into the room and place the glass beside him, “You could get it yourself.” He laughs and replies, “Yeah but mom and dad would kill you if you made me do that with this,” gesturing to his leg. I turn to leave, but then he asks, “By the way, can I borrow your Call of Duty game?” I squint at him. “Borrow it? Or do you mean steal it like you stole Halo and Mortal Kombat?” “I’ll give it back!” He wails. I sigh, and bring him my game.

                Two and a half hours later, I hear a knock at the front door. I look through the peephole, and with a sigh of relief, I open the door for Trip. He stumbles in nervously with a boat load of work. My brother’s frail voice rose from the silence. “Sis, who is it?” Trip looks at me and whispers, “He doesn’t know me?” I shake my head no and mouth not really. I set my homework on the dining table and motioned for Trip to follow me as we silently made our way to my brother’s room.

                “Boo!” I yelled, as I poked my head into Jackson’s room after a minute of silence. He jumps, but doesn’t say anything, because he’s too focused on the video game he was playing. “Jackson, pause the game for a sec, I want you to meet my friend,” I smile. Jackson makes a sound of complaint, but does what I say. I pull Trip into the doorway where Jackson could see him. “This is Trip, Trip, this is Jackson,” I say, while I give Trip a nudge to step inside the room. “Nice to meet you,” my friend began nervously, “Hey, is that Call of Duty?” I face palm myself as Trip falls for Jackson’s trap. “Yeah,” my brother replies, “My game’s pretty cool, right?” “Your game?” I say as I grab Trip, “Remember to return it to me after today.”

                I smirk as Jackson whines about how I ruin everything. I tell my little brother that I’ll be in my room with Trip. When we finally reach my room, I turn to look at Trip. What I see shocks me. He’s looking at me in awe and something that looked so familiar, but I just couldn’t name it. “I didn’t know you play Call of Duty,” Trip said. I laugh it off and tell Trip I’m not a girly girl. He shook the strange look off his face and said, “So why are we in your room?” He takes in my room for the first time as he waits for my answer. I walk to the door and close it as I whisper, “I have something to tell you… It’s a secret.”

                Trip seems confused, but he stays quiet, waiting for me to tell him. I take a deep breath, and tell him about what happened on the day of the accident. At first, he didn’t understand why I was telling him the same story until I got to the part where Anthony comes in. Trip flinches, knowing what Anthony is capable of doing. I shut my eyes, not wanting to see Trip’s reaction to what is probably the stupidest thing I’ve ever done. “… And then I kissed him, and he kissed me back. Then I pushed him off and ran away.” I heard Trip gasp, so I opened my eyes to find him holding something shiny in his hands.

                When I realized what was in his hands, I start to mentally freak out. Surely he doesn’t know the meaning of it? In his hands, was a pair of blue scissors stained with a small amount of my blood. It’s my favorite tool to use when I cut, since I used it in a way where it was even tougher to break skin, making it even more painful. I shook myself back to the present. I noticed that Trip was shaking and having a hard time breathing. “Wha- what is this?” Trip sputtered. I snatched the scissors from him and placed them behind me as I spoke to Trip. “There for my art projects,” I explained, as my mind said yeah, art projects like carving your skin, “Yesterday I was trying to make something pretty complicated and sliced my finger.” I showed him my bandaged finger, where I had actually just scraped it at school today, hoping he’d buy my lie.

                He sighed and started to calm down. I relaxed and hid my precious scissors. “Please, please, please be careful with those Taylor,” Trip said out of nowhere, with such worry that it scared me. I turned to him and truthfully told him that I will try my best. He nodded and took a look at his watch. “I’m sorry, but I have to go home.” I cast my eyes toward the ground and muttered my thanks for bringing my homework. After an awkward silence of him just standing there watching me watch the ground, he left without saying a word. For the first time, I felt so terribly guilty for lying to someone’s face. I picked up the scissors and pulled my sleeve back as I thought, Wow, you are such a horrible and disgusting person, and then brought the scissors to my wrist…

                Later on when my mom and dad got home, we had a silent dinner. My dad had stopped on his way home to get us some burgers. Just as I sunk my teeth into my burger, my brother stood up and cleared his throat to get our attention. “Is there something wrong, Jackson?” My mother asked, always worrying about her son. Jackson shook his head yes, and looked down at the ground, not wanting to meet anyone’s eyes. My mind raced with the possibilities of what he was about to say. When he finally spoke up, his voice cracked as he said, “I’m gay.” My mother gasped and my father’s eyes widened in disbelief. I guess I wasn’t too surprised since he had been acting kind of strange ever since he was notified that his own best friend was taken hostage.

                When Ricky was finally released, Jackson spent almost every waking hour contacting Ricky. Whether it was through text, call, or in person, they found a way. That’s why I honestly wasn’t shocked, because I had already figured it out, just like I told him I would. It wasn’t bad, I found it cute that Jackson was falling for his best friend. I just hope he doesn’t get heartbroken. When I came back to reality, I heard my mom whisper, “Honey, are you sure? You’re so young!” My dad nodded in agreement, still at a loss for words. Jackson solemnly nodded yes and explained that he had talked to a counselor at his school to be sure. Man, my brother sure was smart.

                My mom quickly accepted that her son didn’t like girls, but you could tell she was still shaken up. My father, on the other hand, wasn’t saying anything at all. By now, he had gotten over his initial shock, but I don’t think he wanted a gay son. Why, I have no idea, but it wounded Jackson because it felt like his own dad didn’t even love him anymore because he liked boys, not girls. If it was quiet first, it was now dead silent. I think to myself, is this how they’d react if I told them I cut? I sigh and excuse myself to go upstairs. Maybe I’ll just get some sleep or better yet, where’s my blade?