Escaping the Past

Is This Really Happening?

                “I think you have the wrong room,” I spat out. I couldn’t help it, I was furious that I had to see him here and on my birthday, of all days. Not replying to my malicious words, he sat down in the chair next to me. That’s when I got a better view of his face, and I noticed that his eyes were red from crying. I tried to say I was sorry for being rude, but the words wouldn’t come out. To be honest, I was never going to be sorry for anything I did to him. As my mind was processing all these thoughts at once, a phrase came out of my ex-boyfriend’s mouth that I never thought I’d hear saying, “I’m sorry.” Before he had said that, I was looking away from him, so I didn’t have to remember all of the bad memories, but after he announced his apologies, I turned to look him in the eyes.

                “It doesn’t really seem like it,” I finally replied after what seemed like forever. “Why did you attempt suicide?” He asked softly. I inhaled sharply when Anthony said “suicide” as if a weight had just been dropped on my already aching chest. “Nobody wanted me here,” I said in a melancholic voice, “Not even me.” Anthony shuffled, unknowing of how to answer to my statement. Before he could say anything, I added, “Why did you start to abuse me?” Anthony cringed, but didn’t answer. Instead, he came back with a question of his own. “Why did you kiss me the last time we were here together?” I shook my head. “I don’t like you anymore, Anthony. You were cruel to me. In fact, you still are.” My ex-boyfriend sighed and replied, “It was the only way to get your attention.”

                Although I knew it was true that if Anthony had not bullied me anymore, I wouldn’t bother to keep up with his existence, I didn’t want to let him know that. I may not like him like I used to, but I seemed to still care if I hurt his feelings or not. “You were going out with that guy, and I got jealous. One day, Perrie confessed that she told him to pretend to like you and break your heart.” I looked down as he said this. “I tried to tell you once, but like I said, the only way I got your attention was by being mean or something, so that’s why I told everyone.”

                My anger sparked up as he admitted this. “But you didn’t have to get in the way of my relationship!” Anthony slouched when I spoke and I realized I was practically yelling. Lowering my volume a little bit, I started again, “I was happy and -” Anthony’s hard laughter interrupted me midsentence. “You were just as happy with that guy as you were with me. I could see it in your eyes. I knew, Taylor.” For a moment, we sat in the quiet white hospital room, staring off into nothingness until he spoke again. “Is that why you cut yourself? Because of what I did? Is that when you started?” Anthony was staring at my arms, which didn’t just have twelve scars anymore. There were dozens, especially in the last few weeks when the bullying became severe. I could only guess at how many scars I had now. I swallowed and slowly nodding my head, I couldn’t bring myself to speak about this with him.

                As Anthony rose to leave, I caught his arm. “Thank you for telling me about Patch.” I looked my former abuser in the eyes with sincerity. He paused for a moment, as if he was going to say something, and his eyes searched my face. It felt like he wanted to find out what I was hiding. Finally, he sighed and mumbled something really quick. Before I could ask what he said, he leaned down and kissed my cheek. Anthony looked at me one last time, and whispered just so I could hear, “I’ll miss you,” and then he was gone. The floor creaked sadly as I listened to him walk away. “I’ll miss you,” his words echoed in my brain. What did that mean? Was he leaving for good? Just as his steps began to fade from the hallway, I whispered, “Goodbye Anthony.” Smiling and feeling at peace, I decided to take a nap to see if I would have a pleasant dream at last. I didn’t think there’d be any “visitors” left, so it seemed like the right time to just drift off…