Thoughts And Feelings

2: Sexuality

I can't even begin to explain the pure amount of hurt and pain that I feel to know that who I like and love is so wrong.

I try to convince myself that one day I will get better, that I will love a man the same way I love a women.

I'm bisexual, but sometimes saying that almost feels like a way to cover the fact that I know I like women more, because if i'm bisexual then that means there is still a chance for me to be normal.

I grew up and is still growing up in a household where sexuality is very black and white, ever since a young age I have been taught to grow up and marry a man and that all homosexuals go to hell and burn and can't be saved. I hate myself for feeling that way towards women.

I was once homophobic when I was younger because I was taught to be like that and saw the way my dad and mum talked about homosexuals and saw the pure disgust in their eyes but little do they know that, that disgust is being seen by me. Their own daughter. But I can't help but wonder if they knew would they still have that same disgust in their eyes. Yes. Because even though I am queer I see myself as disgusting and a burden, so why wouldn't they? I understand.

I see the way my dad and mum make fun of someone for being queer like the multiple times when this queer man serves us at a restaurant every time they say something behind his back in front of my face and my siblings, and I can't help but wonder do you ever get sick of yourself? The way that you hate, the way that you judge, that look in your eyes.

Why can't someone just love someone despite their gender or how they represent themselves. Why just Why?

When I was younger (like 7-8) my whole family would laugh and make fun of my older brother because he wanted to shave his legs, and I followed along and would laugh and make comments too because I thought that was right and cause I saw it happening . But as I grew older and realised my sexuality, I hate myself for talking like that to my brother when I grew up and became just what I hated and would laugh at.

I can't help but wonder that being a generally good person is enough to get you to heaven, I mean shouldn't it be? I know we are taught in the bible (catholic bible) that too get to heaven you have to live like Christ and follow in his footsteps and go to church and do kind deeds. But why cant someone being kind and loving to everyone enough? I can't answer that question, and don't think I will ever be able to, I don't think i'm meant to know I think its meant to stay a secret and just wonder about it from afar, from a distance.

I refuse to believe that this is what we are made for.