I wanted my brother to look me in the eyes and tell me that everything was going to be okay, that I was going to be okay that what I felt was normal and wasn't weird or something to be hated for or ashamed for.
But even if he did I would still think those thoughts about myself whether I liked it or not, but because I know that who I am is wrong and it will never be right no matter what...
I wondered later that night what my brother was thinking after I cried to him, did he cry too? did he cry for me? did he hate me? was he disgusted? would he ever look at me the same again ever? No. Would he ever think back to that moment again?
After that morning, when I came out to my brother, I got up and went to the kitchen to eat lunch and he was eating at the dinner table, I expected him to say something or acknowledge me or even just look me in the eye but he didn't and that's when I knew I fucked up big time, that he was most likely disgusted by me. I Understand. I Agree.
When my parents make comments about the LQBTQ+ in front of my face and my brother/s I look at them, and try to look them straight in the eye to try to communicate through my eyes, but they just avoid any eye contact, but at least now they don't make comments back to my parents about gay people but instead keep quiet like me, and that in a way is showing me that they respect me but just show it in different ways.
Even now in the present my parents will saying something homophobic and I will catch my brother/s eyes and we will just smile to each-other because we both know the truth.
Sometimes I do have regretful thoughts about coming because, when I did it, it made it feel so much more real because it wasn't just me and my friends knowing but also my family, my siblings now, and that scares me in a way, because I can't hide now or take back my words, or try to suppress myself and my sexuality and keep it hidden.
Note - I don't know if any of this makes sense to you or if you relate, but if it does your not alone.
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Thoughts And Feelings
RandomThis book is just meant to be about my thoughts and feelings liking venting, e.g how i see the world, about myself, about how i view others etc. I write this book when I just need to get my thoughts and feelings out but not say it in person but inst...
